Keep Talking

As I continue to work with staff, and listen to their concerns about working with children who seem to not care, I see so clearly the importance of conversations.  Just keep talking.  There is so much the children do not know.  This is true of regular children, but more so for children that have  been moved from place to place, and perhaps didn't get the parenting they should have gotten when they were infants.
A staff expressed frustration with a child who announced, "You are not my family, I don't have to listen to you".  Then 2 days later the same child declared, "This is my family, this is where I want to be, where I feel comfortable,"  There is no frustration here.  There is simply a child giving information about how confused she feels.  We have to talk to the children, talk about how normal it is to feel confused about where they should want to live, and who they should want to live with.  No child wants to give up on their own family.  It is similar to divorce - no child knows who they should give allegiance to.  They shouldn't have to.
We can make it easier for them by simply listening without judging, but with empathy for their situation, and with the gift of knowledge.

Holidays

The Holidays are upon us!! Here is some ways to enjoy them.
1,  Communicate.  If you are a foster family or group home this is the most important thing you can do.  Imagine a home in which several of the members don't know what your ideas are.  They don't know what to expect in your traditions, and yet they don't want to give up their traditions either.  Some children have never had a Christmas, and some were given gifts only to loose them because they were moved again. They don't want to get their hopes up only to be disappointed.
2.  Allow the children to share in making traditions for your day, so they don't feel awkward.
3.  Be kind and even generous to visitations with natural families.  Help the children prepare gifts for their natural family.  Our Resource Center (thrift store) will let any foster child select gifts for their family at greatly reduced or even no cost.  Help them select gifts for their foster family also.  It is hard for them to allow themselves to feel at this time of the year because they have often been disappointed.
4,  Don't expect gratitude or an open show of any appreciation.  If you are going to give, just give, and know there may be little reward in it for you.  The reward will come when they know how to treat their children some day in the future.
5.  Model the spirit of the season - the hardest thing to do.  Oh - don't forget to communicate!

Why chaos works

When children first come to one of our homes, they appreciate the order.  Things feel safe and they soon begin to work into the program,  Then the problems show up.  In chaos, people sleep and eat where and when they want.  They clean if they want, carry the garbage if they want.  However, chaos hides abuse, including physical, emotional, and/or emotional/mental.
On the other hand, the child also has an alibi for things that they are doing that would be noticed in an orderly home.  Tardiness or truancy from school go unnoticed.  Participation in illegal substances also go unnoticed, as well as late night hours,  gang involvement, sexual activity, etc.
As the child works into an orderly home, and their chaotic behaviors show, they become defensive, angry and resistive,
Now the real work begins in earnest.  All our talent, training and teamwork have to be in best working order to help the child at this point.  That's what we are all about.

The danger of chaos

One of the things we work the hardest on is the chaos some of the children bring into the homes.  It happens in both foster families and group homes.  There are several ways you can help if there is chaos in your home.
1. Keep the house clean and neat.  When there is order in the home there will be less chaos.  The children will feel safe when order exists, and safety is one of the 5 needs.
2,  Keep a calendar, a schedule.  This helps the children know they will be cared for.  Knowing there are doctor, dentist, etc appointments helps them understand they are important enough to plan for.  Knowing what recreational things are coming will also help them know in a good family, fun is part of the plan.
3.  Problem solve all differences.  Absolutely no yelling, blaming, name calling, or swearing.  When the children learn how to problem solve, and when they know they can make a mistake and not start a huge chaotic mess, chaos will diminish.

Getting children to cooperate

Through the years in the group home we were often asked, "How do you get those kids to cooperate with each other?"  First let it be said that they didn't always get along!  It was, however, possible with most of the different combinations of children to get them to cooperate.
First, we only dealt with three rules:  Safety, Respect, and Do your job.  When things went wrong, there was no big hassle to decide which of the three rules were broken.  Second, as each new child joined the group home we held a community meeting in which the children discussed the three main rules, and then made new family rules - such as borrowing clothes, going into each others rooms, etc.
Then, the children talked about how to divide up the jobs, what to do when something goes wrong, what outings they wanted, etc.  Because the children themselves made the rules and the procedure for fixing mistakes, we got pretty good cooperation.
We took our kids all over on vacations.  As far away as Hawaii, New Mexico, Arizona, on and on they went.  One year we had a really difficult group, but still wanted them to experience a vacation.  We took them to Lake Powell, Utah (or Arizona - depending on where we were travelling), on a houseboat.  We had a wonderful, safe vacation.
They understood that all the wonderful experiences we had couldn't have been done without cooperation.

"I was only joking"

We were working with a child in one of the group homes today.  She is new and has never learned to problem solve.  She doesn't know how to take responsibility, nor how to handle making a mistake.  She became very angry and frustrated in the meeting, and just kept repeating, "I was just making a joke; why do you have to take everything seriously"?  She also said, "I feel like you want to take away the way I've always been, and there won't be any of me left."
This is a common defense used by people in trouble.  We all gave examples of jokes or pranks she could make, and the difference between that and defiance.  She said, "You should be able to read on my face when I am joking and when I'm serious."  "I shouldn't have to tell you."  An example was given of when she started out playing, and then someone carried it too far, then she got her feelings hurt.  "When were we supposed to know the difference between when you were playing and when you got hurt?"  "Oh", she said,  "I see".
I went back to the statement, "That's the way I've always been", and explained we understood it felt normal to her, but she was placed in the group home for the same reason as the other girls - bad behavior.  I asked her if she could recognize one of the behaviors she does that may be getting in the way of people seeing the good behaviors she has.  She agreed she would work on taking responsibility for mistakes and make a plan to work on whatever it was without trying to turn it into a joke or blame others.
It actually turned out well for all of us, even though it was her first time to cooperatively solve a problem and make a better plan.

What do you want?

Deciding what you want is the most difficult of all the things we do.  First of all, you need to think of the five needs - survival and safety, love and belonging, power and control, freedom and creativity, and fun and learning,  Think what about each need is important to you, and keep in mind what you want to feel satisfied with your choices.
Next, see if you come come up with some ideas regarding who you want to be known as.  Take a minute to write down a short paragraph or sentence with this information.
Remember, everything around you is just information.  It is your choice how you choose to act or react, or whether you choose to attach a feeling to the information.
Further, you already have information stored in your quality world, and you already have some perceptions formed on the subject,  Therefore, there are things you know you want, and have had these things stored for a long time,  Then,  there are immediate wants that may or may not have anything to do with your long term wants.  Knowing yourself will help you make decisions that will fill your wants.