Getting children to cooperate

Through the years in the group home we were often asked, "How do you get those kids to cooperate with each other?"  First let it be said that they didn't always get along!  It was, however, possible with most of the different combinations of children to get them to cooperate.
First, we only dealt with three rules:  Safety, Respect, and Do your job.  When things went wrong, there was no big hassle to decide which of the three rules were broken.  Second, as each new child joined the group home we held a community meeting in which the children discussed the three main rules, and then made new family rules - such as borrowing clothes, going into each others rooms, etc.
Then, the children talked about how to divide up the jobs, what to do when something goes wrong, what outings they wanted, etc.  Because the children themselves made the rules and the procedure for fixing mistakes, we got pretty good cooperation.
We took our kids all over on vacations.  As far away as Hawaii, New Mexico, Arizona, on and on they went.  One year we had a really difficult group, but still wanted them to experience a vacation.  We took them to Lake Powell, Utah (or Arizona - depending on where we were travelling), on a houseboat.  We had a wonderful, safe vacation.
They understood that all the wonderful experiences we had couldn't have been done without cooperation.

"I was only joking"

We were working with a child in one of the group homes today.  She is new and has never learned to problem solve.  She doesn't know how to take responsibility, nor how to handle making a mistake.  She became very angry and frustrated in the meeting, and just kept repeating, "I was just making a joke; why do you have to take everything seriously"?  She also said, "I feel like you want to take away the way I've always been, and there won't be any of me left."
This is a common defense used by people in trouble.  We all gave examples of jokes or pranks she could make, and the difference between that and defiance.  She said, "You should be able to read on my face when I am joking and when I'm serious."  "I shouldn't have to tell you."  An example was given of when she started out playing, and then someone carried it too far, then she got her feelings hurt.  "When were we supposed to know the difference between when you were playing and when you got hurt?"  "Oh", she said,  "I see".
I went back to the statement, "That's the way I've always been", and explained we understood it felt normal to her, but she was placed in the group home for the same reason as the other girls - bad behavior.  I asked her if she could recognize one of the behaviors she does that may be getting in the way of people seeing the good behaviors she has.  She agreed she would work on taking responsibility for mistakes and make a plan to work on whatever it was without trying to turn it into a joke or blame others.
It actually turned out well for all of us, even though it was her first time to cooperatively solve a problem and make a better plan.

What do you want?

Deciding what you want is the most difficult of all the things we do.  First of all, you need to think of the five needs - survival and safety, love and belonging, power and control, freedom and creativity, and fun and learning,  Think what about each need is important to you, and keep in mind what you want to feel satisfied with your choices.
Next, see if you come come up with some ideas regarding who you want to be known as.  Take a minute to write down a short paragraph or sentence with this information.
Remember, everything around you is just information.  It is your choice how you choose to act or react, or whether you choose to attach a feeling to the information.
Further, you already have information stored in your quality world, and you already have some perceptions formed on the subject,  Therefore, there are things you know you want, and have had these things stored for a long time,  Then,  there are immediate wants that may or may not have anything to do with your long term wants.  Knowing yourself will help you make decisions that will fill your wants.
 

Learning something new

In the Leadership Simple model we have a leadership model that will also be adaptable in teaching staff and children how to build better relationships.  The first thing we have to do is get a picture of what we want.  We will all be working on identifying that very thing.  Then we need to see ourselves in our world.  If you would like to come along with us we will have a training at the corp. office from 10 to 2:00 Monday, Nov 10th.
One of the things we learned to do was to draw a circle on a page of paper.  Place a dot in the center of the circle, and call that dot yourself.  Then ask yourself what can you control.  It may not seem that you have control over much, but take a look at the rest of the circle.  Call that your area of influence.  You can only control you, yourself,   but your influence can reach wide.  The area outside the circle you have no control or influence at all.  Therefore, concentrate on what you can control and where you can make a contribution.

Feedback and criticism

The difference in the way we choose to evaluate will show in the results.  In the past, before we knew Choice Theory, we used what was called then, "Constructive Criticism".  Dr. Glasser called that phrase the most offensive oxymoron of all.  What about the result?  Those on the receiving end had to stuff their thoughts and feelings, and I doubt anyone had any idea of how to make things "more right".
At Atkinson Family Services we work very hard at learning and using evaluation, both individually and in our groups.  We use feedback and evaluation; which reports what happened or what was left out.  We use this information to make a better plan.  Everyone feels good about that.
Criticism, on the other hand places a value judgement on the situation and/or persons involved. Nothing improves under those circumstances.  No one knows how to make things better.
  We are using a Choice Theory book called LEADERSHIP SIMPLE, by Steve and Jill Morris.You can find more information on their website; ww.choiceworks.com.

What a week!

As you may know, we have been working on our accrediation for a year.  We completed our first review, and then two weeks later we had our office opening celebration.  Our people really worked hard to have everything ready.  We were proud of our accomplishments, although our building wasn't really completed.
The priest from Our Lady of Assumption church came and blessed our building and later the pastor from the Roseville Seventh Day Advantist church also gave a wonderful blessing for our building and our business.
It was a wonderful time of reflection and thankfulness for the people who work with us, for the children we work for, and the job we all feel we are called to do.

Punishment vs. consequences 2

Punishment and reward equal an external locus of control.  In order for punishment to exist someone has to stage it.  Consequences, on the the other hand, equal known outcomes, positive and negative.  We like to have the children help make the rules, and with them, assign the consequences.  It is always amazing to us that the children are often harder on offenders than we would have been.  Consequences always have known rules and known outcomes, they are not delivered at the whim of another person.
What we are trying to establish is rules that will ensure the safety, respectful living environment, and opportunity for growth, happiness, and the ability for each child to fulfill their 5 needs.
Did your parents ever tell you "It isn't what you do when I"m looking that I am interested in, it is what you do when I'm not looking that I am interested in."?  That is what an internal locus of control looks like.  Consequences allow a person to develop internally a belief system in which they can evaluate their behavioral choices and, and therefore control them.