Keep Talking

As I continue to work with staff, and listen to their concerns about working with children who seem to not care, I see so clearly the importance of conversations.  Just keep talking.  There is so much the children do not know.  This is true of regular children, but more so for children that have  been moved from place to place, and perhaps didn't get the parenting they should have gotten when they were infants.
A staff expressed frustration with a child who announced, "You are not my family, I don't have to listen to you".  Then 2 days later the same child declared, "This is my family, this is where I want to be, where I feel comfortable,"  There is no frustration here.  There is simply a child giving information about how confused she feels.  We have to talk to the children, talk about how normal it is to feel confused about where they should want to live, and who they should want to live with.  No child wants to give up on their own family.  It is similar to divorce - no child knows who they should give allegiance to.  They shouldn't have to.
We can make it easier for them by simply listening without judging, but with empathy for their situation, and with the gift of knowledge.

Holidays

The Holidays are upon us!! Here is some ways to enjoy them.
1,  Communicate.  If you are a foster family or group home this is the most important thing you can do.  Imagine a home in which several of the members don't know what your ideas are.  They don't know what to expect in your traditions, and yet they don't want to give up their traditions either.  Some children have never had a Christmas, and some were given gifts only to loose them because they were moved again. They don't want to get their hopes up only to be disappointed.
2.  Allow the children to share in making traditions for your day, so they don't feel awkward.
3.  Be kind and even generous to visitations with natural families.  Help the children prepare gifts for their natural family.  Our Resource Center (thrift store) will let any foster child select gifts for their family at greatly reduced or even no cost.  Help them select gifts for their foster family also.  It is hard for them to allow themselves to feel at this time of the year because they have often been disappointed.
4,  Don't expect gratitude or an open show of any appreciation.  If you are going to give, just give, and know there may be little reward in it for you.  The reward will come when they know how to treat their children some day in the future.
5.  Model the spirit of the season - the hardest thing to do.  Oh - don't forget to communicate!

Why chaos works

When children first come to one of our homes, they appreciate the order.  Things feel safe and they soon begin to work into the program,  Then the problems show up.  In chaos, people sleep and eat where and when they want.  They clean if they want, carry the garbage if they want.  However, chaos hides abuse, including physical, emotional, and/or emotional/mental.
On the other hand, the child also has an alibi for things that they are doing that would be noticed in an orderly home.  Tardiness or truancy from school go unnoticed.  Participation in illegal substances also go unnoticed, as well as late night hours,  gang involvement, sexual activity, etc.
As the child works into an orderly home, and their chaotic behaviors show, they become defensive, angry and resistive,
Now the real work begins in earnest.  All our talent, training and teamwork have to be in best working order to help the child at this point.  That's what we are all about.

The danger of chaos

One of the things we work the hardest on is the chaos some of the children bring into the homes.  It happens in both foster families and group homes.  There are several ways you can help if there is chaos in your home.
1. Keep the house clean and neat.  When there is order in the home there will be less chaos.  The children will feel safe when order exists, and safety is one of the 5 needs.
2,  Keep a calendar, a schedule.  This helps the children know they will be cared for.  Knowing there are doctor, dentist, etc appointments helps them understand they are important enough to plan for.  Knowing what recreational things are coming will also help them know in a good family, fun is part of the plan.
3.  Problem solve all differences.  Absolutely no yelling, blaming, name calling, or swearing.  When the children learn how to problem solve, and when they know they can make a mistake and not start a huge chaotic mess, chaos will diminish.

Getting children to cooperate

Through the years in the group home we were often asked, "How do you get those kids to cooperate with each other?"  First let it be said that they didn't always get along!  It was, however, possible with most of the different combinations of children to get them to cooperate.
First, we only dealt with three rules:  Safety, Respect, and Do your job.  When things went wrong, there was no big hassle to decide which of the three rules were broken.  Second, as each new child joined the group home we held a community meeting in which the children discussed the three main rules, and then made new family rules - such as borrowing clothes, going into each others rooms, etc.
Then, the children talked about how to divide up the jobs, what to do when something goes wrong, what outings they wanted, etc.  Because the children themselves made the rules and the procedure for fixing mistakes, we got pretty good cooperation.
We took our kids all over on vacations.  As far away as Hawaii, New Mexico, Arizona, on and on they went.  One year we had a really difficult group, but still wanted them to experience a vacation.  We took them to Lake Powell, Utah (or Arizona - depending on where we were travelling), on a houseboat.  We had a wonderful, safe vacation.
They understood that all the wonderful experiences we had couldn't have been done without cooperation.

"I was only joking"

We were working with a child in one of the group homes today.  She is new and has never learned to problem solve.  She doesn't know how to take responsibility, nor how to handle making a mistake.  She became very angry and frustrated in the meeting, and just kept repeating, "I was just making a joke; why do you have to take everything seriously"?  She also said, "I feel like you want to take away the way I've always been, and there won't be any of me left."
This is a common defense used by people in trouble.  We all gave examples of jokes or pranks she could make, and the difference between that and defiance.  She said, "You should be able to read on my face when I am joking and when I'm serious."  "I shouldn't have to tell you."  An example was given of when she started out playing, and then someone carried it too far, then she got her feelings hurt.  "When were we supposed to know the difference between when you were playing and when you got hurt?"  "Oh", she said,  "I see".
I went back to the statement, "That's the way I've always been", and explained we understood it felt normal to her, but she was placed in the group home for the same reason as the other girls - bad behavior.  I asked her if she could recognize one of the behaviors she does that may be getting in the way of people seeing the good behaviors she has.  She agreed she would work on taking responsibility for mistakes and make a plan to work on whatever it was without trying to turn it into a joke or blame others.
It actually turned out well for all of us, even though it was her first time to cooperatively solve a problem and make a better plan.

What do you want?

Deciding what you want is the most difficult of all the things we do.  First of all, you need to think of the five needs - survival and safety, love and belonging, power and control, freedom and creativity, and fun and learning,  Think what about each need is important to you, and keep in mind what you want to feel satisfied with your choices.
Next, see if you come come up with some ideas regarding who you want to be known as.  Take a minute to write down a short paragraph or sentence with this information.
Remember, everything around you is just information.  It is your choice how you choose to act or react, or whether you choose to attach a feeling to the information.
Further, you already have information stored in your quality world, and you already have some perceptions formed on the subject,  Therefore, there are things you know you want, and have had these things stored for a long time,  Then,  there are immediate wants that may or may not have anything to do with your long term wants.  Knowing yourself will help you make decisions that will fill your wants.
 

Learning something new

In the Leadership Simple model we have a leadership model that will also be adaptable in teaching staff and children how to build better relationships.  The first thing we have to do is get a picture of what we want.  We will all be working on identifying that very thing.  Then we need to see ourselves in our world.  If you would like to come along with us we will have a training at the corp. office from 10 to 2:00 Monday, Nov 10th.
One of the things we learned to do was to draw a circle on a page of paper.  Place a dot in the center of the circle, and call that dot yourself.  Then ask yourself what can you control.  It may not seem that you have control over much, but take a look at the rest of the circle.  Call that your area of influence.  You can only control you, yourself,   but your influence can reach wide.  The area outside the circle you have no control or influence at all.  Therefore, concentrate on what you can control and where you can make a contribution.

Feedback and criticism

The difference in the way we choose to evaluate will show in the results.  In the past, before we knew Choice Theory, we used what was called then, "Constructive Criticism".  Dr. Glasser called that phrase the most offensive oxymoron of all.  What about the result?  Those on the receiving end had to stuff their thoughts and feelings, and I doubt anyone had any idea of how to make things "more right".
At Atkinson Family Services we work very hard at learning and using evaluation, both individually and in our groups.  We use feedback and evaluation; which reports what happened or what was left out.  We use this information to make a better plan.  Everyone feels good about that.
Criticism, on the other hand places a value judgement on the situation and/or persons involved. Nothing improves under those circumstances.  No one knows how to make things better.
  We are using a Choice Theory book called LEADERSHIP SIMPLE, by Steve and Jill Morris.You can find more information on their website; ww.choiceworks.com.

What a week!

As you may know, we have been working on our accrediation for a year.  We completed our first review, and then two weeks later we had our office opening celebration.  Our people really worked hard to have everything ready.  We were proud of our accomplishments, although our building wasn't really completed.
The priest from Our Lady of Assumption church came and blessed our building and later the pastor from the Roseville Seventh Day Advantist church also gave a wonderful blessing for our building and our business.
It was a wonderful time of reflection and thankfulness for the people who work with us, for the children we work for, and the job we all feel we are called to do.

Punishment vs. consequences 2

Punishment and reward equal an external locus of control.  In order for punishment to exist someone has to stage it.  Consequences, on the the other hand, equal known outcomes, positive and negative.  We like to have the children help make the rules, and with them, assign the consequences.  It is always amazing to us that the children are often harder on offenders than we would have been.  Consequences always have known rules and known outcomes, they are not delivered at the whim of another person.
What we are trying to establish is rules that will ensure the safety, respectful living environment, and opportunity for growth, happiness, and the ability for each child to fulfill their 5 needs.
Did your parents ever tell you "It isn't what you do when I"m looking that I am interested in, it is what you do when I'm not looking that I am interested in."?  That is what an internal locus of control looks like.  Consequences allow a person to develop internally a belief system in which they can evaluate their behavioral choices and, and therefore control them.

Consequences vs. punishment

This is a pivotal point in our program.  First, let me explain what punishment is.  Punishment is the random act of the punisher to correct the child who broke the rules of the punisher.  Punishment and reward are two sides of the same coin, and both depend on two things:  that the child cares about the punishment/reward, and that the punisher/rewarder is present.
When one of my children was in kindergarten she changed teachers 3 times.  When I went to her class to observe she was coloring a picture.  She was holding the crayon with a fist.  The teacher came by and placed 6 M&M's on her desk.  She ignored them and continued coloring.  At home she would have eaten them in one swoop.  The teacher asked her what she was supposed to be doing.  "Coloring", she replied.  "What color is the bunny's dress supposed to be?" she asked.  "It's green now", the child replied.  "What are you supposed to be doing now?'  she asked.  The child replied, "I don't know about you, but I'm coloring."  "But what are you supposed to be doing?"  The child sighed, picked up the sissors and paper, cut the 4 corners off, replaced the paper and continued to color.  The teacher came by and removed the M&M's.  The child looked at me.  "See", she said, "She gives them and she takes them away.
This was the lesson she taught me.  She did not care about the person handing out the punishment, nor did she care about the reward/punishment.
Reward is appreciated when there is nothing expected in return.  Your relationship is the only thing that is really meaningful to the child.  You can impose your will on someone else, but you may harm the relationship in doing so.
Tomorrow we'll talk about the consequence model.

Attitude vs. Behavior

We hear about "Attitude" all the time.  Especially in working with teenagers, everyone wants to talk about their attitude.  Adults want to punish or consequent children for their bad attitudes.
We don't use the attitude word.  We talk about behavior.
First of all, in our level system we have to use measurable things - what you can see or hear, what you can say you saw some one do or not do.  We have listed all the behaviors we are interested in, such as got up, made bed, ate breakfast, and etc on through the day.  Each behavior is evaluated through the view of prompt, participate, and appropriate.
So often an adult is frustrated by the child's bad attitude, but there is no winning that battle, for either the child or the adult.  However, if we are measuring as stated above, then all the outcomes are measurable and the child can discuss only if they did or didn't measure up to the standard.
Once a child has made enough mistakes to loose a level, they can scream, throw a fit, or whatever, but the fact remains.  Now all they have to do is learn how they can fix the mistake.
The process is that, first, they take responsibility for their behavioral choice.  Second, they talk about what place in the problem they could have made a different choice.  Last, they offer a solution, and when they will begin to use that solution.
Children and adult evaluate every evening, and as often as necessary during the day.  I hope you can understand why we use only behavior.  

Believing and Behaving

We have been working towards an accreditation with a nationally known company COA)
 that will put our agency with the best in the nation.  We have worked very hard for the past year to make the changes that we knew we would have to make.  We had one great thing to start with: great employees, and a great board of directors.
Believing something and acting on what you believe really says a lot about who you are.  Today we really saw that at work as we sat down with our COA evaluators and listened to what they thought of our Agency  While we will have corrections to be made, what was exciting to me is that they took note of the evidence that every employee understood what we  believe in and act upon those beliefs.  They saw that each person, from the children all the way through management, and even to the members of the board of directors feel safe, respected, and valued.
That is the best thing we ever heard.  Jim and I have held those ideals in high regard since we gave birth to our own children in 1963 and 1964, and since we took our first foster child in 1968.
We were blessed for the celebration of our 50th anniversary, and again when our employees and foster parents surprised us with the celebration of the 30th anniversary of our Agency, and again today when were told of the greatness of our children, employees from  management and the board of directoes to on line childcare counselors.
The COA evaluators have worked with many other agencies such as ours, and for them to see the wonderful spirit and commitment of our people is just the best news ever!

Its Official

It's official that the Christmas season has begun!  Each year I embroider each of the children's name on a bath towel.  I ordered the towels last week and they came in Friday.  My sewing room is full of colorful towels.

In the client counsel the representatives let me know the children would like to have a choice of either a towel or a TV blanket.  So my sewing room is also full of blankets.
If you would like to contribute to the cost, the blankets were $3.00 and the towels were $4.00.  The real cost is the thread, the glue, and the backing.
I often hear from past clients that they still have the blanket or towel I made them many years ago.  One child, who is in one of our foster families, said she had 3 towels, one for each of the three years she has been with us.
It's a small thing, but it means so much to the children!

Big mistake

Remember the 21 day challenge idea?  Well, it turns out to be a bad idea.  First of all, 2 of the children are graduating and will not be there long enough to finish the challenge.  Some of the others thought it would be impossible to complete such a task.
I think our program is adequate enough to help children correct unacceptable behaviors.  I should have known that from the beginning, because I have seen our process work year after year, and with child after child.
Jim told me from the beginning it would only complicate things, and he was right!  I was looking for a way to hurry the time it takes, and I saw all the people get excited over the challenge idea - so I thought maybe it would work.
We have great staff, a terrific program and wonderful children.  Moving on.........

Listening to the children

We have decided to have a monthly group in which a representative from each group home will participate and present all the concerns of each of the houses.  I held the first one this week.  It was so fun for me, and I think for the children.  I had the three younger homes in the first hour and the three older homes in the second hour.
We began with an organizational chart so the children could see how things get done in an agency.  I also presented a list of all the organizations that have something to say about how we conduct our business.
We talked about things we can change and things we cannot.  They had good ideas about what changes we can have control of and which things would need legislative decisions to change.
The really terrific thing about a group like this is that together with the children we can do a better job of caring and helping them.  In order for them to be successful they need to have experience in making responsible choices regarding their environment.  We talked about the fact that each one person represented the 6 children from their home, and everything they bring to the meeting has to be something that will be helpful and represent all.

Thinking about the challenge

Tonight I presented the idea to the staff and children at group home 1.  It was a definite mixed review. The children were very smart in their thinking.  Here are some of the questions they asked:
What if we make one mistake, what will happen - will we be out of the challenge?
How many mistakes can we make in one day?  How about two mistakes per day?
How can we keep track of our mistakes, could we put a sticker on our level sheet?
I don't think its fair if we loose our challenge and our level in one day for one mistake, even if its a serious mistake.
It feels a little like a bribe to me.  Could you talk more about what you are really challenging us to do?
What if we cheat - make a mistake that no one saw, and just don't tell anyone?
So. now the children are going to take a week or two to practice and think about whether or not they want to take the challenge or not.
 Would you be able to take the challenge?  Could you be positive for 21 days?

On being clear...

One of the most important things adults can do to build good relationships with children is to be clear on what they want and expect.  Most of the times that the group home children call me to complain about rules or how the rules are executed there is really only one problem - the children didn't understand either the intent of the rule or the details of the rule.
It is important that the rule is the same for each child, and executed in the same way for each child  on that level.  As I stated before, discipline is known rules and known consequences; therefore, when the child makes a choice he/she is making an informed choice.
That is where the need comes in - adults need to make sure the children are informed, so that they really are making an informed choice.
Having said that I recognize we are working with children who have anger and other issues, and may have a complaint no matter how diligent we are in trying to maintain appropriate rules and consequences.  Nevertheless, continue to work towards consistency.

Setting up the challenge

In order to set up the challenge we have to  keep in mind what it is we are trying to accomplish.  My thought was to give the children a challenge that would help them; 1) discover their ability to place ideals in their quality world, and 2) develop the behaviors that will show them they have the control to satisfy their ideals.
We will have to have several conversations about the quality world, what goes in it, as well as how we can place something new in it.  We will also have to decide what the criteria is that will equal success.  How many chances should they get, what is the "deal breaker", how could they handle making a mistake.
The final goal is for the children to recognize negative behaviors, correct them, and diminish negative behaviors from their lives.
More thoughts tomorrow.