As promised, here are the 4 parts of behavior. When we use it with the foster children as well as teach the staff and foster parents, we use a car to illustrate how it works. The 4 parts of behavior are: thinking and acting, and feeling and physiology.
All behavior is chosen, and is the best behavior we could think of at the time. All behavior is purposeful and meaningful, even "crazy behavior".
If you can let that sink in for a while, you will begin to see that what we are trying to do is build relationships on honesty, communication, and from a standpoint without judgement and blame. The Behavior Car is next!
Monday, March 24, 2014
Thursday, March 20, 2014
The 5 Needs
In order to learn Choice Theory it is best to start with the 5 Basic Needs that we are all born with. They are: 1. Survival - food shelter, safety, and sex. When working with the children we concentrate on what makes them feel safe and how to insure their safety, and less on sex.
2. Love and belonging - to share, care and cooperate. Choice theory is about making and keeping relationships.
3. Power and control - the only person we can control is ourselves.
4. Freedom - we learn about making choices and using our creativity for positive results in our lives.
5. Fun - which includes learning.
It may seem awkward to learn these, but it will all make sense as you learn and put it all together. The next step will be to learn the 4 parts of behavior.
2. Love and belonging - to share, care and cooperate. Choice theory is about making and keeping relationships.
3. Power and control - the only person we can control is ourselves.
4. Freedom - we learn about making choices and using our creativity for positive results in our lives.
5. Fun - which includes learning.
It may seem awkward to learn these, but it will all make sense as you learn and put it all together. The next step will be to learn the 4 parts of behavior.
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Blame Doesn't Matter
One of the first things we had to learn was that it doesn't matter who did what first, or who started it, or who was to blame. What matters is the relationships in the family. We had a very large family, including our 2 birth children, foster children, guardianship children and adopted children. Our children were of every race and economic status.
Does the phrase, "You're not my real mother sound familiar to you"? I heard it on a regular basis. It's hard to build a family base line with this much diversity and this much emotional trauma. The answer to the question is, "I know I'm not your real mother, and I'm not trying to be, but if you look around, I seem to be the only mom around here at the moment. How can we make things work?"
When something was broken, it was useless to ask who did it, because only a person named "Not Me" lives in my house. So then what matters? How you fix things, how you make a better plan with the children for next time, and how you get through a hard time without calling names, blaming, or punishing.
Tomorrow, we'll share how to set up a system so you can do that.
Does the phrase, "You're not my real mother sound familiar to you"? I heard it on a regular basis. It's hard to build a family base line with this much diversity and this much emotional trauma. The answer to the question is, "I know I'm not your real mother, and I'm not trying to be, but if you look around, I seem to be the only mom around here at the moment. How can we make things work?"
When something was broken, it was useless to ask who did it, because only a person named "Not Me" lives in my house. So then what matters? How you fix things, how you make a better plan with the children for next time, and how you get through a hard time without calling names, blaming, or punishing.
Tomorrow, we'll share how to set up a system so you can do that.
Monday, March 17, 2014
There's always a 7-day notice
In foster care there is this thing called a "7-day notice". As the foster parent you can use it when you can't handle the child any more. Jim and I decided we would do whatever it took to never use the 7-day notice. O.K., what then? What about your own kids? You can't serve a notice on them,
Why not learn to solve the problem. I started the research. I found the early works of Dr. William Glasser, who taught people to evaluate their choices, and make more effective choices. It takes some practice, and some change of mind on the part of the parent, but it will result in a more peaceful family. There are several things you need to know. I will introduce them to you, and then we will post another role-play video to show how we do it.
Why not learn to solve the problem. I started the research. I found the early works of Dr. William Glasser, who taught people to evaluate their choices, and make more effective choices. It takes some practice, and some change of mind on the part of the parent, but it will result in a more peaceful family. There are several things you need to know. I will introduce them to you, and then we will post another role-play video to show how we do it.
What Do We Do Now?
Watch this first....
http://youtu.be/-lxZpNjx8Z8
then watch this...
http://youtu.be/U5j4s7xvJ0Y
Let me know your thoughts.
Natural Family Day
Today is what we call "Natural Family Day". When we first started back in the '60s, the general thought was that if you separated the children from the parents what went wrong in that family would go away. I found that to be a dismal failure.
I believe that parents and children need time and opportunity to work things out, whether or not they can change behavior, they need a chance. We started "NFD" to make a time for positive interaction and good memories. We play games, do a cooperative craft, feed the lunch, and answer questions.
Some children use this time to visit former foster families, some visit siblings, grandparents, or other family members. Some of the children have no other family members, so we find "visiting friends" for them.
From the vantage point of old age, I have the privilege and honor to sit at grandchildren's birthday parties with the natural parents I helped to put together with their children.
I am the one who is blessed!
I believe that parents and children need time and opportunity to work things out, whether or not they can change behavior, they need a chance. We started "NFD" to make a time for positive interaction and good memories. We play games, do a cooperative craft, feed the lunch, and answer questions.
Some children use this time to visit former foster families, some visit siblings, grandparents, or other family members. Some of the children have no other family members, so we find "visiting friends" for them.
From the vantage point of old age, I have the privilege and honor to sit at grandchildren's birthday parties with the natural parents I helped to put together with their children.
I am the one who is blessed!
Monday, March 3, 2014
How we started
Hello again.
Jim and I got married in 1961, when he was 20 and I was 19. If you see pictures of us you would want to know, "Who let those kids get married?" We had two children in 1963 - 64. After some experiences as hosts for American Indian children during the summers we learned it was easy for us to accept others in our home. We were at home, and they felt at home too. I also had experiences babysitting children who were on Ritalin, and who were difficult to work with. They were just like me! Finally, people with my energy. People used to say to me, "You should take foster children, you would be good at it."
1968 - We went to the county to find information, and they gave us a child! No training, nothing. We filled out the paperwork, they did the fingerprint, and we had a child.
We were so nervous when she first came to the door. We didn't know what we were supposed to do. She, however, had been through this too many times. At 8 years old, her black pony tails bouncing as she moved, she grabbed my hands, looked up at me, and said, "Hi, my name's Geneva, and I'll call you mom if you let me stay."
We were hooked!
Jim and I got married in 1961, when he was 20 and I was 19. If you see pictures of us you would want to know, "Who let those kids get married?" We had two children in 1963 - 64. After some experiences as hosts for American Indian children during the summers we learned it was easy for us to accept others in our home. We were at home, and they felt at home too. I also had experiences babysitting children who were on Ritalin, and who were difficult to work with. They were just like me! Finally, people with my energy. People used to say to me, "You should take foster children, you would be good at it."
1968 - We went to the county to find information, and they gave us a child! No training, nothing. We filled out the paperwork, they did the fingerprint, and we had a child.
We were so nervous when she first came to the door. We didn't know what we were supposed to do. She, however, had been through this too many times. At 8 years old, her black pony tails bouncing as she moved, she grabbed my hands, looked up at me, and said, "Hi, my name's Geneva, and I'll call you mom if you let me stay."
We were hooked!
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