"It's the wrong family"

I learn from each child that comes into our lives.  Back in the early 80's we had a 13 year old girl from a large family.  She had never had "store bought" clothes, or a hair cut in a beauty salon.  She loved that experience.  One weekend we had all 7 of her siblings stay with us.  We took them all to church with us.  I heard one of the sisters say, "Wow, you got your dream.  New store bought clothes, a real haircut, and a family that goes to church."  She sadly looked at her sister and answered, "Yes, but it's the wrong family."
I learned that even though I put my heart, soul, time  and money into the kids, they may not be able to get over the loss of their family.  Remembering the Quality World helps me keep things in perspective.  It may not be possible for a child to ever reconcile with their family, and so, not to make me feel better, but to help the child find meaning in the world as it is in their life, it is important to help them  see their options and choices.

What makes a good foster parent

Maybe I should have said "Who", but regardless, there are some basics that I look for.
1.  You can live with a total stranger (at first) without prejudice.
2.  You can follow rules and laws.
3.  You can forgive and forget.
4.  You have a sense of humor and laugh a lot.
5.  You don't have to "Fix" everyone and everything.
6.  You are a good listener, willing to listen and show concern, and not just instruct.
7.  Even in difficult situations you can be respectful.
8.  You can admit when you are wrong and can take responsibility.
9.  You don't have to be loved "back".  What can I do to help this child, not what can this child give me.
10. You have a support system;  for me it is my husband and family, but mainly, a relationship       with Jesus Christ helps me through all of it.
Once, when I was giving a foster parent orientation to a group of prospective foster parents I came to the topic of spanking.  One of the men brought it up because he had heard that foster children cannot be spanked, nor could corporal punishment be used.  After some conversation, he said, "Well, my dad spanked me, and I turned out o.k."  "When was the last time he spanked you?", I asked.  "Well, when I was big enough to hit him back", he replied.  I asked, "Is that the kind of relationship you want with your child?"
The point of foster parenting was originally supposed to be a safe, neutral, temporary place where a child can be nurtured until a permanent place can be found with family. Times and ideas change through the years, but it has always been helpful to me to remember, they are on loan to me.

Rules for Fair Fighting

This is not from Choice Theory.  Until you have practiced all that you have learned it may be necessary to just post these rules for fair fighting.  Jim always wanted to call them "Rules for Effective Problem Solving". but before you know how to problem solve you need to know how to disagree without harming their relationships.  I have used these rules for many years, simply because it takes time to teach the 5 needs, the 4 parts of behavior, and the language we use.  Some of these rules come from NA and AA, but most are just common sense.

1.  No physical action - it's hard to reason with someone you are trying to force your will on.
2.  No yelling - it's hard to reason with someone you are intimidating.
3.  No name calling - a person who spilled the milk doesn't need to be called clumsy - he already          knows.
4.  No blame - "it never helps to assign a bad guy.
5.  No excuses - "I only", "I just", "but I", or "because" are all excuses
6.  I statements only - no other person's name is acceptable unless that person is present.
7.  No one else's name may be used, "Suzie did it".
8.  One person talks at a time, everyone will get a turn.
9.  No putting someone down - rolling eyes, sneers, other body language "put downs".
Here is the good news!  Once you have all this other stuff out of the way, you can solve the problem.  That problem will almost always be something like, "I felt left out", "My feelings were hurt", "I was embarrassed". "I felt betrayed".
It takes time for children to feel safe enough to share real feelings, but if you adhere to these simple rules you can do it.

What Questions

So, keeping in mind the 5 Needs, and the 4 parts of behavior, here is the way we work with the children.  We ask questions!  We never ask "Why" questions, we ask "What" questions.
Actually, you already know the answer to a  'Why" question - it is "I don't know", or "because."  Also, if what you want is to build a relationship, ask open-ended questions that require more than a "yes" or "no" answer
  One more tip, two of my most favorite words are "nevertheless", and "regardless".  Those two words will keep the conversation from straying off the subject at hand.  In order to have a conversation and not a battle it is important to avoid accusations, blame, yelling, name calling and pointing fingers.
Remember, when a problem occurs due to a mis-behavior, it is just a problem, just a mistake,  The first thing we start with is, "How are you going to fix it?"
We start with with,
"What do you want?"
"What do you really want?"
"What did you choose to do?"
"How did that work out for you?"
"What behavior could you choose that would get you what you want, and will not get you in trouble?"
"When do you think you will try that?"

Protect and Prepare/Just and Fair

Two concepts that are not really part of Choice Theory, but are very helpful concepts in raising children.  These thoughts are from our Deputy Director, Cesar Castaneda,  He talks about the importance of understanding when it is our job to protect children, and when it is our job to prepare our children.  This is an especially difficult and confusing concept when the children are missing basic safety concepts that are usually taught when they are very small children.  Part of working with foster children is understanding which phase each child needs.
The second concept is to understand and teach the difference between what is just and what is fair.  Usually when children complain that you're "Not being fair", what they really mean is that you are not treating everyone equal.  If you let a 17 year old go to the movies with a friend, but not a 10 year old, the 10 year old will complain about fairness.
 Now is the time when you have to know the difference between prepare and protect, and fair and just.  Now is also the time when you will  be glad for teaching the difference to your children, or know it is time to begin teaching your children.
One last story for the day: "Back in the day", when we had 12  children, ranging in age from 7 to 17, I had a particularly trying day with way too many complaints about me not being "fair".  We live in Sacramento, CA.  The state fair grounds, called Cal Expo, are here.  I packed all 12 kids in the van and drove to Cal Expo, and told them to get out.  Looking confused, they did.  I rolled down the window and said, "This is the Fair",  "This is the only place where you will find fair, so when you have had enough fair, call me and I will come pick you up."  They looked at each other.  Some said, "Is she nuts?"  Others said, "Can she do this?"
To this day if someone mentions "Fair", everyone says, "Watch out or she will take you to Cal Expo"!

How we establish our Quality World

In order for things to enter and remain in our quality world, they must be experienced as feeling very good at the time.  You are the only person who can place something in your quality world picture.  Those pictures you choose will remain forever, unless you choose to change the picture.  It is very difficult to change a picture once it is in your quality world, even if it is now causing you pain.  

For example, I once had a girl who's mother had died.  She was so devastated by this event that she could not accept her life, and tried to commit suicide.  When she returned from the hospital, and we had a discussion about her 5 Needs, and how she could choose to fill them, she discovered that the real problem was that she didn't want to fill any needs without her mother.  Knowing that the memory of her mother was very powerful and the picture of her mother so need-fulfilling, we looked at the quality world pictures she had of her mother.  There are 3 things you can do with your pictures; keep it and continue to try to fill it, modify it, or take it out.  She decided she would keep the picture and add to it.  She invited me to be her mother, and thus modify the picture to include a second mom.  

We made a book of memories of her mom, so her fear of forgetting her would be taken care of.  Then we made a second memory book of our time together.  She worked with her therapist on this project also, and together she made realistic goals and put satisfying pictures in her quality world.

 Again, it is difficult to make changes in your quality world, but it is possible.  In foster care, it is important for the child and whole team to work together for the best possible outcome.

Quality World Three

The third thing we keep in our Quality World is the ideals or beliefs we hold.  This makes the way we work with children very important.  For example, from early childhood I had two things I was sure I never wanted to do; displease God nor displease my grandparents.  Every time throughout my life I was in a comprising position, I asked myself two questions, "Would this hurt my grandparents, or displease God?"
I had read the Bible through 3 times by the time I was 12 years old.  Of course I didn't understand much of what I read, but it was enough to give me some base to think from.
Today's children have what I call "Transient" values.  I have heard the girls say, "I'm not going to have sex before marriage.... well, unless he's cute."  Or, "I'm not going to take drugs...unless I'm at a party, everyone does drugs at a party."
One of the best things we can do for our children is teach them the 5 Needs, the 4 parts of behavior, the things we hold in our quality world, and to take responsibility for our behavior.
More tomorrow.

Putting it all together

This weekend we will make another video to show how we make it all work.  What ties it all together is learning the language of peaceful living and the art of asking questions.  I want to start by giving some of the beliefs we hold.  They were a little awkward to learn, but our desire to work effectively with children was greater than our resistance to learning something new.
We begin by believing that every behavior we choose is the best one we could think of at the time.  Furthermore, we believe that we choose everything we think and do, and thus we indirectly choose how we feel and our physiology.
So, recognizing that our choices belong to us, and that we can evaluate our choices and make improvements.
There is one more component, and that is the Quality World.  I will introduce that tomorrow.

Behavior Car poster

Here is the 4 parts of behavior in the form of a car that I promised you.  It was developed by a member of the Glasser Institute.  It shows that the front two wheels motivate and move the car, but what they do effects the rest of the car and how it behaves.  What ;motivates the car is the 5 Needs, and they are represented by the engine,  The steering wheel represents the wants, and shows how easily they can effect our choices.