This is a pivotal point in our program. First, let me explain what punishment is. Punishment is the random act of the punisher to correct the child who broke the rules of the punisher. Punishment and reward are two sides of the same coin, and both depend on two things: that the child cares about the punishment/reward, and that the punisher/rewarder is present.
When one of my children was in kindergarten she changed teachers 3 times. When I went to her class to observe she was coloring a picture. She was holding the crayon with a fist. The teacher came by and placed 6 M&M's on her desk. She ignored them and continued coloring. At home she would have eaten them in one swoop. The teacher asked her what she was supposed to be doing. "Coloring", she replied. "What color is the bunny's dress supposed to be?" she asked. "It's green now", the child replied. "What are you supposed to be doing now?' she asked. The child replied, "I don't know about you, but I'm coloring." "But what are you supposed to be doing?" The child sighed, picked up the sissors and paper, cut the 4 corners off, replaced the paper and continued to color. The teacher came by and removed the M&M's. The child looked at me. "See", she said, "She gives them and she takes them away.
This was the lesson she taught me. She did not care about the person handing out the punishment, nor did she care about the reward/punishment.
Reward is appreciated when there is nothing expected in return. Your relationship is the only thing that is really meaningful to the child. You can impose your will on someone else, but you may harm the relationship in doing so.
Tomorrow we'll talk about the consequence model.
Monday, September 29, 2014
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Attitude vs. Behavior
We hear about "Attitude" all the time. Especially in working with teenagers, everyone wants to talk about their attitude. Adults want to punish or consequent children for their bad attitudes.
We don't use the attitude word. We talk about behavior.
First of all, in our level system we have to use measurable things - what you can see or hear, what you can say you saw some one do or not do. We have listed all the behaviors we are interested in, such as got up, made bed, ate breakfast, and etc on through the day. Each behavior is evaluated through the view of prompt, participate, and appropriate.
So often an adult is frustrated by the child's bad attitude, but there is no winning that battle, for either the child or the adult. However, if we are measuring as stated above, then all the outcomes are measurable and the child can discuss only if they did or didn't measure up to the standard.
Once a child has made enough mistakes to loose a level, they can scream, throw a fit, or whatever, but the fact remains. Now all they have to do is learn how they can fix the mistake.
The process is that, first, they take responsibility for their behavioral choice. Second, they talk about what place in the problem they could have made a different choice. Last, they offer a solution, and when they will begin to use that solution.
Children and adult evaluate every evening, and as often as necessary during the day. I hope you can understand why we use only behavior.
We don't use the attitude word. We talk about behavior.
First of all, in our level system we have to use measurable things - what you can see or hear, what you can say you saw some one do or not do. We have listed all the behaviors we are interested in, such as got up, made bed, ate breakfast, and etc on through the day. Each behavior is evaluated through the view of prompt, participate, and appropriate.
So often an adult is frustrated by the child's bad attitude, but there is no winning that battle, for either the child or the adult. However, if we are measuring as stated above, then all the outcomes are measurable and the child can discuss only if they did or didn't measure up to the standard.
Once a child has made enough mistakes to loose a level, they can scream, throw a fit, or whatever, but the fact remains. Now all they have to do is learn how they can fix the mistake.
The process is that, first, they take responsibility for their behavioral choice. Second, they talk about what place in the problem they could have made a different choice. Last, they offer a solution, and when they will begin to use that solution.
Children and adult evaluate every evening, and as often as necessary during the day. I hope you can understand why we use only behavior.
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Believing and Behaving
We have been working towards an accreditation with a nationally known company COA)
that will put our agency with the best in the nation. We have worked very hard for the past year to make the changes that we knew we would have to make. We had one great thing to start with: great employees, and a great board of directors.
Believing something and acting on what you believe really says a lot about who you are. Today we really saw that at work as we sat down with our COA evaluators and listened to what they thought of our Agency While we will have corrections to be made, what was exciting to me is that they took note of the evidence that every employee understood what we believe in and act upon those beliefs. They saw that each person, from the children all the way through management, and even to the members of the board of directors feel safe, respected, and valued.
That is the best thing we ever heard. Jim and I have held those ideals in high regard since we gave birth to our own children in 1963 and 1964, and since we took our first foster child in 1968.
We were blessed for the celebration of our 50th anniversary, and again when our employees and foster parents surprised us with the celebration of the 30th anniversary of our Agency, and again today when were told of the greatness of our children, employees from management and the board of directoes to on line childcare counselors.
The COA evaluators have worked with many other agencies such as ours, and for them to see the wonderful spirit and commitment of our people is just the best news ever!
that will put our agency with the best in the nation. We have worked very hard for the past year to make the changes that we knew we would have to make. We had one great thing to start with: great employees, and a great board of directors.
Believing something and acting on what you believe really says a lot about who you are. Today we really saw that at work as we sat down with our COA evaluators and listened to what they thought of our Agency While we will have corrections to be made, what was exciting to me is that they took note of the evidence that every employee understood what we believe in and act upon those beliefs. They saw that each person, from the children all the way through management, and even to the members of the board of directors feel safe, respected, and valued.
That is the best thing we ever heard. Jim and I have held those ideals in high regard since we gave birth to our own children in 1963 and 1964, and since we took our first foster child in 1968.
We were blessed for the celebration of our 50th anniversary, and again when our employees and foster parents surprised us with the celebration of the 30th anniversary of our Agency, and again today when were told of the greatness of our children, employees from management and the board of directoes to on line childcare counselors.
The COA evaluators have worked with many other agencies such as ours, and for them to see the wonderful spirit and commitment of our people is just the best news ever!
Monday, September 22, 2014
Its Official
It's official that the Christmas season has begun! Each year I embroider each of the children's name on a bath towel. I ordered the towels last week and they came in Friday. My sewing room is full of colorful towels.
In the client counsel the representatives let me know the children would like to have a choice of either a towel or a TV blanket. So my sewing room is also full of blankets.
If you would like to contribute to the cost, the blankets were $3.00 and the towels were $4.00. The real cost is the thread, the glue, and the backing.
I often hear from past clients that they still have the blanket or towel I made them many years ago. One child, who is in one of our foster families, said she had 3 towels, one for each of the three years she has been with us.
It's a small thing, but it means so much to the children!
If you would like to contribute to the cost, the blankets were $3.00 and the towels were $4.00. The real cost is the thread, the glue, and the backing.
I often hear from past clients that they still have the blanket or towel I made them many years ago. One child, who is in one of our foster families, said she had 3 towels, one for each of the three years she has been with us.
It's a small thing, but it means so much to the children!
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Big mistake
Remember the 21 day challenge idea? Well, it turns out to be a bad idea. First of all, 2 of the children are graduating and will not be there long enough to finish the challenge. Some of the others thought it would be impossible to complete such a task.
I think our program is adequate enough to help children correct unacceptable behaviors. I should have known that from the beginning, because I have seen our process work year after year, and with child after child.
Jim told me from the beginning it would only complicate things, and he was right! I was looking for a way to hurry the time it takes, and I saw all the people get excited over the challenge idea - so I thought maybe it would work.
We have great staff, a terrific program and wonderful children. Moving on.........
I think our program is adequate enough to help children correct unacceptable behaviors. I should have known that from the beginning, because I have seen our process work year after year, and with child after child.
Jim told me from the beginning it would only complicate things, and he was right! I was looking for a way to hurry the time it takes, and I saw all the people get excited over the challenge idea - so I thought maybe it would work.
We have great staff, a terrific program and wonderful children. Moving on.........
Saturday, September 13, 2014
Listening to the children
We have decided to have a monthly group in which a representative from each group home will participate and present all the concerns of each of the houses. I held the first one this week. It was so fun for me, and I think for the children. I had the three younger homes in the first hour and the three older homes in the second hour.
We began with an organizational chart so the children could see how things get done in an agency. I also presented a list of all the organizations that have something to say about how we conduct our business.
We talked about things we can change and things we cannot. They had good ideas about what changes we can have control of and which things would need legislative decisions to change.
The really terrific thing about a group like this is that together with the children we can do a better job of caring and helping them. In order for them to be successful they need to have experience in making responsible choices regarding their environment. We talked about the fact that each one person represented the 6 children from their home, and everything they bring to the meeting has to be something that will be helpful and represent all.
We began with an organizational chart so the children could see how things get done in an agency. I also presented a list of all the organizations that have something to say about how we conduct our business.
We talked about things we can change and things we cannot. They had good ideas about what changes we can have control of and which things would need legislative decisions to change.
The really terrific thing about a group like this is that together with the children we can do a better job of caring and helping them. In order for them to be successful they need to have experience in making responsible choices regarding their environment. We talked about the fact that each one person represented the 6 children from their home, and everything they bring to the meeting has to be something that will be helpful and represent all.
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Thinking about the challenge
Tonight I presented the idea to the staff and children at group home 1. It was a definite mixed review. The children were very smart in their thinking. Here are some of the questions they asked:
What if we make one mistake, what will happen - will we be out of the challenge?
How many mistakes can we make in one day? How about two mistakes per day?
How can we keep track of our mistakes, could we put a sticker on our level sheet?
I don't think its fair if we loose our challenge and our level in one day for one mistake, even if its a serious mistake.
It feels a little like a bribe to me. Could you talk more about what you are really challenging us to do?
What if we cheat - make a mistake that no one saw, and just don't tell anyone?
So. now the children are going to take a week or two to practice and think about whether or not they want to take the challenge or not.
Would you be able to take the challenge? Could you be positive for 21 days?
What if we make one mistake, what will happen - will we be out of the challenge?
How many mistakes can we make in one day? How about two mistakes per day?
How can we keep track of our mistakes, could we put a sticker on our level sheet?
I don't think its fair if we loose our challenge and our level in one day for one mistake, even if its a serious mistake.
It feels a little like a bribe to me. Could you talk more about what you are really challenging us to do?
What if we cheat - make a mistake that no one saw, and just don't tell anyone?
So. now the children are going to take a week or two to practice and think about whether or not they want to take the challenge or not.
Would you be able to take the challenge? Could you be positive for 21 days?
Monday, September 1, 2014
On being clear...
One of the most important things adults can do to build good relationships with children is to be clear on what they want and expect. Most of the times that the group home children call me to complain about rules or how the rules are executed there is really only one problem - the children didn't understand either the intent of the rule or the details of the rule.
It is important that the rule is the same for each child, and executed in the same way for each child on that level. As I stated before, discipline is known rules and known consequences; therefore, when the child makes a choice he/she is making an informed choice.
That is where the need comes in - adults need to make sure the children are informed, so that they really are making an informed choice.
Having said that I recognize we are working with children who have anger and other issues, and may have a complaint no matter how diligent we are in trying to maintain appropriate rules and consequences. Nevertheless, continue to work towards consistency.
It is important that the rule is the same for each child, and executed in the same way for each child on that level. As I stated before, discipline is known rules and known consequences; therefore, when the child makes a choice he/she is making an informed choice.
That is where the need comes in - adults need to make sure the children are informed, so that they really are making an informed choice.
Having said that I recognize we are working with children who have anger and other issues, and may have a complaint no matter how diligent we are in trying to maintain appropriate rules and consequences. Nevertheless, continue to work towards consistency.
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