Keep Talking

As I continue to work with staff, and listen to their concerns about working with children who seem to not care, I see so clearly the importance of conversations.  Just keep talking.  There is so much the children do not know.  This is true of regular children, but more so for children that have  been moved from place to place, and perhaps didn't get the parenting they should have gotten when they were infants.
A staff expressed frustration with a child who announced, "You are not my family, I don't have to listen to you".  Then 2 days later the same child declared, "This is my family, this is where I want to be, where I feel comfortable,"  There is no frustration here.  There is simply a child giving information about how confused she feels.  We have to talk to the children, talk about how normal it is to feel confused about where they should want to live, and who they should want to live with.  No child wants to give up on their own family.  It is similar to divorce - no child knows who they should give allegiance to.  They shouldn't have to.
We can make it easier for them by simply listening without judging, but with empathy for their situation, and with the gift of knowledge.

Holidays

The Holidays are upon us!! Here is some ways to enjoy them.
1,  Communicate.  If you are a foster family or group home this is the most important thing you can do.  Imagine a home in which several of the members don't know what your ideas are.  They don't know what to expect in your traditions, and yet they don't want to give up their traditions either.  Some children have never had a Christmas, and some were given gifts only to loose them because they were moved again. They don't want to get their hopes up only to be disappointed.
2.  Allow the children to share in making traditions for your day, so they don't feel awkward.
3.  Be kind and even generous to visitations with natural families.  Help the children prepare gifts for their natural family.  Our Resource Center (thrift store) will let any foster child select gifts for their family at greatly reduced or even no cost.  Help them select gifts for their foster family also.  It is hard for them to allow themselves to feel at this time of the year because they have often been disappointed.
4,  Don't expect gratitude or an open show of any appreciation.  If you are going to give, just give, and know there may be little reward in it for you.  The reward will come when they know how to treat their children some day in the future.
5.  Model the spirit of the season - the hardest thing to do.  Oh - don't forget to communicate!

Why chaos works

When children first come to one of our homes, they appreciate the order.  Things feel safe and they soon begin to work into the program,  Then the problems show up.  In chaos, people sleep and eat where and when they want.  They clean if they want, carry the garbage if they want.  However, chaos hides abuse, including physical, emotional, and/or emotional/mental.
On the other hand, the child also has an alibi for things that they are doing that would be noticed in an orderly home.  Tardiness or truancy from school go unnoticed.  Participation in illegal substances also go unnoticed, as well as late night hours,  gang involvement, sexual activity, etc.
As the child works into an orderly home, and their chaotic behaviors show, they become defensive, angry and resistive,
Now the real work begins in earnest.  All our talent, training and teamwork have to be in best working order to help the child at this point.  That's what we are all about.

The danger of chaos

One of the things we work the hardest on is the chaos some of the children bring into the homes.  It happens in both foster families and group homes.  There are several ways you can help if there is chaos in your home.
1. Keep the house clean and neat.  When there is order in the home there will be less chaos.  The children will feel safe when order exists, and safety is one of the 5 needs.
2,  Keep a calendar, a schedule.  This helps the children know they will be cared for.  Knowing there are doctor, dentist, etc appointments helps them understand they are important enough to plan for.  Knowing what recreational things are coming will also help them know in a good family, fun is part of the plan.
3.  Problem solve all differences.  Absolutely no yelling, blaming, name calling, or swearing.  When the children learn how to problem solve, and when they know they can make a mistake and not start a huge chaotic mess, chaos will diminish.

Getting children to cooperate

Through the years in the group home we were often asked, "How do you get those kids to cooperate with each other?"  First let it be said that they didn't always get along!  It was, however, possible with most of the different combinations of children to get them to cooperate.
First, we only dealt with three rules:  Safety, Respect, and Do your job.  When things went wrong, there was no big hassle to decide which of the three rules were broken.  Second, as each new child joined the group home we held a community meeting in which the children discussed the three main rules, and then made new family rules - such as borrowing clothes, going into each others rooms, etc.
Then, the children talked about how to divide up the jobs, what to do when something goes wrong, what outings they wanted, etc.  Because the children themselves made the rules and the procedure for fixing mistakes, we got pretty good cooperation.
We took our kids all over on vacations.  As far away as Hawaii, New Mexico, Arizona, on and on they went.  One year we had a really difficult group, but still wanted them to experience a vacation.  We took them to Lake Powell, Utah (or Arizona - depending on where we were travelling), on a houseboat.  We had a wonderful, safe vacation.
They understood that all the wonderful experiences we had couldn't have been done without cooperation.

"I was only joking"

We were working with a child in one of the group homes today.  She is new and has never learned to problem solve.  She doesn't know how to take responsibility, nor how to handle making a mistake.  She became very angry and frustrated in the meeting, and just kept repeating, "I was just making a joke; why do you have to take everything seriously"?  She also said, "I feel like you want to take away the way I've always been, and there won't be any of me left."
This is a common defense used by people in trouble.  We all gave examples of jokes or pranks she could make, and the difference between that and defiance.  She said, "You should be able to read on my face when I am joking and when I'm serious."  "I shouldn't have to tell you."  An example was given of when she started out playing, and then someone carried it too far, then she got her feelings hurt.  "When were we supposed to know the difference between when you were playing and when you got hurt?"  "Oh", she said,  "I see".
I went back to the statement, "That's the way I've always been", and explained we understood it felt normal to her, but she was placed in the group home for the same reason as the other girls - bad behavior.  I asked her if she could recognize one of the behaviors she does that may be getting in the way of people seeing the good behaviors she has.  She agreed she would work on taking responsibility for mistakes and make a plan to work on whatever it was without trying to turn it into a joke or blame others.
It actually turned out well for all of us, even though it was her first time to cooperatively solve a problem and make a better plan.

What do you want?

Deciding what you want is the most difficult of all the things we do.  First of all, you need to think of the five needs - survival and safety, love and belonging, power and control, freedom and creativity, and fun and learning,  Think what about each need is important to you, and keep in mind what you want to feel satisfied with your choices.
Next, see if you come come up with some ideas regarding who you want to be known as.  Take a minute to write down a short paragraph or sentence with this information.
Remember, everything around you is just information.  It is your choice how you choose to act or react, or whether you choose to attach a feeling to the information.
Further, you already have information stored in your quality world, and you already have some perceptions formed on the subject,  Therefore, there are things you know you want, and have had these things stored for a long time,  Then,  there are immediate wants that may or may not have anything to do with your long term wants.  Knowing yourself will help you make decisions that will fill your wants.
 

Learning something new

In the Leadership Simple model we have a leadership model that will also be adaptable in teaching staff and children how to build better relationships.  The first thing we have to do is get a picture of what we want.  We will all be working on identifying that very thing.  Then we need to see ourselves in our world.  If you would like to come along with us we will have a training at the corp. office from 10 to 2:00 Monday, Nov 10th.
One of the things we learned to do was to draw a circle on a page of paper.  Place a dot in the center of the circle, and call that dot yourself.  Then ask yourself what can you control.  It may not seem that you have control over much, but take a look at the rest of the circle.  Call that your area of influence.  You can only control you, yourself,   but your influence can reach wide.  The area outside the circle you have no control or influence at all.  Therefore, concentrate on what you can control and where you can make a contribution.

Feedback and criticism

The difference in the way we choose to evaluate will show in the results.  In the past, before we knew Choice Theory, we used what was called then, "Constructive Criticism".  Dr. Glasser called that phrase the most offensive oxymoron of all.  What about the result?  Those on the receiving end had to stuff their thoughts and feelings, and I doubt anyone had any idea of how to make things "more right".
At Atkinson Family Services we work very hard at learning and using evaluation, both individually and in our groups.  We use feedback and evaluation; which reports what happened or what was left out.  We use this information to make a better plan.  Everyone feels good about that.
Criticism, on the other hand places a value judgement on the situation and/or persons involved. Nothing improves under those circumstances.  No one knows how to make things better.
  We are using a Choice Theory book called LEADERSHIP SIMPLE, by Steve and Jill Morris.You can find more information on their website; ww.choiceworks.com.

What a week!

As you may know, we have been working on our accrediation for a year.  We completed our first review, and then two weeks later we had our office opening celebration.  Our people really worked hard to have everything ready.  We were proud of our accomplishments, although our building wasn't really completed.
The priest from Our Lady of Assumption church came and blessed our building and later the pastor from the Roseville Seventh Day Advantist church also gave a wonderful blessing for our building and our business.
It was a wonderful time of reflection and thankfulness for the people who work with us, for the children we work for, and the job we all feel we are called to do.

Punishment vs. consequences 2

Punishment and reward equal an external locus of control.  In order for punishment to exist someone has to stage it.  Consequences, on the the other hand, equal known outcomes, positive and negative.  We like to have the children help make the rules, and with them, assign the consequences.  It is always amazing to us that the children are often harder on offenders than we would have been.  Consequences always have known rules and known outcomes, they are not delivered at the whim of another person.
What we are trying to establish is rules that will ensure the safety, respectful living environment, and opportunity for growth, happiness, and the ability for each child to fulfill their 5 needs.
Did your parents ever tell you "It isn't what you do when I"m looking that I am interested in, it is what you do when I'm not looking that I am interested in."?  That is what an internal locus of control looks like.  Consequences allow a person to develop internally a belief system in which they can evaluate their behavioral choices and, and therefore control them.

Consequences vs. punishment

This is a pivotal point in our program.  First, let me explain what punishment is.  Punishment is the random act of the punisher to correct the child who broke the rules of the punisher.  Punishment and reward are two sides of the same coin, and both depend on two things:  that the child cares about the punishment/reward, and that the punisher/rewarder is present.
When one of my children was in kindergarten she changed teachers 3 times.  When I went to her class to observe she was coloring a picture.  She was holding the crayon with a fist.  The teacher came by and placed 6 M&M's on her desk.  She ignored them and continued coloring.  At home she would have eaten them in one swoop.  The teacher asked her what she was supposed to be doing.  "Coloring", she replied.  "What color is the bunny's dress supposed to be?" she asked.  "It's green now", the child replied.  "What are you supposed to be doing now?'  she asked.  The child replied, "I don't know about you, but I'm coloring."  "But what are you supposed to be doing?"  The child sighed, picked up the sissors and paper, cut the 4 corners off, replaced the paper and continued to color.  The teacher came by and removed the M&M's.  The child looked at me.  "See", she said, "She gives them and she takes them away.
This was the lesson she taught me.  She did not care about the person handing out the punishment, nor did she care about the reward/punishment.
Reward is appreciated when there is nothing expected in return.  Your relationship is the only thing that is really meaningful to the child.  You can impose your will on someone else, but you may harm the relationship in doing so.
Tomorrow we'll talk about the consequence model.

Attitude vs. Behavior

We hear about "Attitude" all the time.  Especially in working with teenagers, everyone wants to talk about their attitude.  Adults want to punish or consequent children for their bad attitudes.
We don't use the attitude word.  We talk about behavior.
First of all, in our level system we have to use measurable things - what you can see or hear, what you can say you saw some one do or not do.  We have listed all the behaviors we are interested in, such as got up, made bed, ate breakfast, and etc on through the day.  Each behavior is evaluated through the view of prompt, participate, and appropriate.
So often an adult is frustrated by the child's bad attitude, but there is no winning that battle, for either the child or the adult.  However, if we are measuring as stated above, then all the outcomes are measurable and the child can discuss only if they did or didn't measure up to the standard.
Once a child has made enough mistakes to loose a level, they can scream, throw a fit, or whatever, but the fact remains.  Now all they have to do is learn how they can fix the mistake.
The process is that, first, they take responsibility for their behavioral choice.  Second, they talk about what place in the problem they could have made a different choice.  Last, they offer a solution, and when they will begin to use that solution.
Children and adult evaluate every evening, and as often as necessary during the day.  I hope you can understand why we use only behavior.  

Believing and Behaving

We have been working towards an accreditation with a nationally known company COA)
 that will put our agency with the best in the nation.  We have worked very hard for the past year to make the changes that we knew we would have to make.  We had one great thing to start with: great employees, and a great board of directors.
Believing something and acting on what you believe really says a lot about who you are.  Today we really saw that at work as we sat down with our COA evaluators and listened to what they thought of our Agency  While we will have corrections to be made, what was exciting to me is that they took note of the evidence that every employee understood what we  believe in and act upon those beliefs.  They saw that each person, from the children all the way through management, and even to the members of the board of directors feel safe, respected, and valued.
That is the best thing we ever heard.  Jim and I have held those ideals in high regard since we gave birth to our own children in 1963 and 1964, and since we took our first foster child in 1968.
We were blessed for the celebration of our 50th anniversary, and again when our employees and foster parents surprised us with the celebration of the 30th anniversary of our Agency, and again today when were told of the greatness of our children, employees from  management and the board of directoes to on line childcare counselors.
The COA evaluators have worked with many other agencies such as ours, and for them to see the wonderful spirit and commitment of our people is just the best news ever!

Its Official

It's official that the Christmas season has begun!  Each year I embroider each of the children's name on a bath towel.  I ordered the towels last week and they came in Friday.  My sewing room is full of colorful towels.

In the client counsel the representatives let me know the children would like to have a choice of either a towel or a TV blanket.  So my sewing room is also full of blankets.
If you would like to contribute to the cost, the blankets were $3.00 and the towels were $4.00.  The real cost is the thread, the glue, and the backing.
I often hear from past clients that they still have the blanket or towel I made them many years ago.  One child, who is in one of our foster families, said she had 3 towels, one for each of the three years she has been with us.
It's a small thing, but it means so much to the children!

Big mistake

Remember the 21 day challenge idea?  Well, it turns out to be a bad idea.  First of all, 2 of the children are graduating and will not be there long enough to finish the challenge.  Some of the others thought it would be impossible to complete such a task.
I think our program is adequate enough to help children correct unacceptable behaviors.  I should have known that from the beginning, because I have seen our process work year after year, and with child after child.
Jim told me from the beginning it would only complicate things, and he was right!  I was looking for a way to hurry the time it takes, and I saw all the people get excited over the challenge idea - so I thought maybe it would work.
We have great staff, a terrific program and wonderful children.  Moving on.........

Listening to the children

We have decided to have a monthly group in which a representative from each group home will participate and present all the concerns of each of the houses.  I held the first one this week.  It was so fun for me, and I think for the children.  I had the three younger homes in the first hour and the three older homes in the second hour.
We began with an organizational chart so the children could see how things get done in an agency.  I also presented a list of all the organizations that have something to say about how we conduct our business.
We talked about things we can change and things we cannot.  They had good ideas about what changes we can have control of and which things would need legislative decisions to change.
The really terrific thing about a group like this is that together with the children we can do a better job of caring and helping them.  In order for them to be successful they need to have experience in making responsible choices regarding their environment.  We talked about the fact that each one person represented the 6 children from their home, and everything they bring to the meeting has to be something that will be helpful and represent all.

Thinking about the challenge

Tonight I presented the idea to the staff and children at group home 1.  It was a definite mixed review. The children were very smart in their thinking.  Here are some of the questions they asked:
What if we make one mistake, what will happen - will we be out of the challenge?
How many mistakes can we make in one day?  How about two mistakes per day?
How can we keep track of our mistakes, could we put a sticker on our level sheet?
I don't think its fair if we loose our challenge and our level in one day for one mistake, even if its a serious mistake.
It feels a little like a bribe to me.  Could you talk more about what you are really challenging us to do?
What if we cheat - make a mistake that no one saw, and just don't tell anyone?
So. now the children are going to take a week or two to practice and think about whether or not they want to take the challenge or not.
 Would you be able to take the challenge?  Could you be positive for 21 days?

On being clear...

One of the most important things adults can do to build good relationships with children is to be clear on what they want and expect.  Most of the times that the group home children call me to complain about rules or how the rules are executed there is really only one problem - the children didn't understand either the intent of the rule or the details of the rule.
It is important that the rule is the same for each child, and executed in the same way for each child  on that level.  As I stated before, discipline is known rules and known consequences; therefore, when the child makes a choice he/she is making an informed choice.
That is where the need comes in - adults need to make sure the children are informed, so that they really are making an informed choice.
Having said that I recognize we are working with children who have anger and other issues, and may have a complaint no matter how diligent we are in trying to maintain appropriate rules and consequences.  Nevertheless, continue to work towards consistency.

Setting up the challenge

In order to set up the challenge we have to  keep in mind what it is we are trying to accomplish.  My thought was to give the children a challenge that would help them; 1) discover their ability to place ideals in their quality world, and 2) develop the behaviors that will show them they have the control to satisfy their ideals.
We will have to have several conversations about the quality world, what goes in it, as well as how we can place something new in it.  We will also have to decide what the criteria is that will equal success.  How many chances should they get, what is the "deal breaker", how could they handle making a mistake.
The final goal is for the children to recognize negative behaviors, correct them, and diminish negative behaviors from their lives.
More thoughts tomorrow.

21 days idea

All my life I have heard of the idea that if you practiced any habit for a minimum of 21 days that habit would be yours for life.  Recently I saw some people discussing this idea and they said it changed their life.  The challenge was to make no negative comments, use no negative language, and make no complaints for 21 days.
I would like to start with group home 1. I want to call a meeting with all the staff and girls, then I would place six- one hundred dollar bills and on the table with a purple hair tie band on it.  Any of the girls who accept the challenge would take the purple band and place it on their left wrist.  Any time they feel like swearing or complaining, or making a negative comment they can give themself a prompt by changing the band to the other wrist.
Anyone who accepts the challenge, and makes it through the 21 days will get one of the hundred dollar bills. The person doesn't have to be perfect, but has to have made a significant change in their verbalizing negative thoughts and ideas.
What we know is that unless the person puts the idea of whatever they are trying to change in their quality world it will be useless to try.  The person accepting the challenge will have to have some support, and that would be the place of the staff, administrator and social worker.  It would be really great if the girls could support each other.
I am not wanting a reward system.  I want to use the challenge theme so well used by others as a fund raiser, only we are using it to challenge children to make significant improvements in their thinking and doing, I would love to hear your ideas.  More tomorrow.

Guardian of the rules

Yesterday we talked about working with difficult children.  Today I want to expand on that subject.  Although we work on teaching choice, evaluation, taking responsibility and making a better choice, we also have a written system of approaching the subject on a daily basis with the children. That system is called a level system, and it is a system of discipline rather than a one of punishment.  Discipline is known, written, consistent method of choice and consequence.  Punishment is at the whim of the punisher and it's success depends on two things:  the child cares about the punishment or reward, and that the punisher/rewarder is present.
The level system must be administered without bias, emotion, manipulation; for example, if you say x = y, then consistently when x is chosen, y will be the consequence.  Such a system will not work if along with the consequence you yell, threaten, call names, etc.  Also, the system will not work if you keep changing the rules or the consequences.
Tomorrow I will talk about negotiation, which is another good tool in our system.

x

Bad behavior - what can we do?

In the group homes we have many rules that we have to abide with if we want to work with the children in the system.  It does make handling difficult behaviors even more challenging than it was before we got all those rules.  For example, we are not allowed to lock up any food, and the children are allowed to help themselves.  It is concerning when one of our diabetic children gains 20 in 3 months.  I don't want to vent all the things that make our more and more difficult.  I want to share how our terrific staff have continued to dedicate themselves to the job at hand, and develop ever more creative ways to work with entitled children who don't have to follow the rules.

So, what can we do?  We can stand firm, and challenge the children's thinking, and the choice of behaviors.  We can ask if they are getting what they want, or are they getting consequences? In real estate the slogan is, "location, location, location."  In working with children it is, "talk, talk, talk".  The more time you spend with them, the more encouragement, the more challenges, the more you hold the consequences you can by law hold, the better your relationship with the children will be.

We are proud of those well-trained staff who hold the line, maintain professional boundaries, and love kids, regardless of their behavior.  YES, we do experience change in their behaviors, and it makes it all worth it.

Training

We, at Atkinson Family Services are serious about training.  I am proud of our people because they attend the training when we set it up.  We are currently working on our process to become accredited with the Coalition on Accreditation (COA).  This will place us in the ranks of the finest agencies working to provide quality out-of-home care.
We have been working to be sure that all our employees and foster parents know and understand the laws and rules and are able to abide by those laws and rules.
This is such a huge undertaking because we are learning a new Glasser training and have required manditory training for all to bring everyone up to date in that area.  Although everyone is "training weary" they were troopers and enthusiastically participated.
Thanks, Atkinson Family Services employees and Foster Families!!  You are truely the BEST.

Dedicated foster families

It really blesses my heart when we can graduate one of the group home children to some part of their biological family.  It also really blesses my heart when one of the group home children graduates to one of our foster families.  We have graduated at least a dozen children to such situations this year.
We have really done our job when we can graduate a child, and we all rejoice.  When a foster family steps up to continue helping a child by offering their family to that child we have completed the job by filling this need.
Problem is, we are ready to graduate children and do not have enough foster families ready.  We sure would like to hear from you.  We will support you, educate you, and help cover your costs.  Give us a call because some terrific children are waiting.

7 connecting vs. 7 dis-connecting habits

Want to build those great relationships?  There are days in which you will think the only way to fix things is a good swat, a dose of soap in the mouth, a week or two of restriction, etc, etc.  I am here to tell you it may work for a minute, but it will never build a good relationship.
The seven deadly habits that will kill a relationship are:
criticizing, blaming, complaining, nagging, threatening, punishing, and rewarding to control (bribe).
The seven connecting habits that will heal and build a relationship are:
supporting, encouraging, listening, accepting, trusting, respecting and negotiating all differences.
All the seven deadly habits are easy to do.  We have been schooled in them all our lives, and it is hard to convince ourselves that they are a problem in our lives and relationships.
The connecting habits are hard to learn, and difficult to do when we are battling the influence of the seven deadly habits. What we teach the children to do is to make a plan, something to DO, not stop doing.  Start replacing one of the seven deadly with one of  seven connecting habits.
When will you start?

Children and the "Quality World"

Remember a while ago we talked about the quality world?  To refresh your mind, we hold all the things that give us pleasure:  the people we most want to have relationships with, the things we most want to interact with, and the ideals or beliefs we hold most dear.
Children begin building their quality world at birth, and add to it their whole life. Over time, if a child is frustrated in meeting any of the pictures in their quality world they begin to act out.  They choose behaviors that seem reasonable to them at the time.  Dr. Glasser tells us that all behavior is meaningful and purposeful, and that it is the best we could think of at the time.
The more thought you give to your children's quality world, and the more you help them find what matches their pictures, the better their behavior will  become.
The second thing you can do to help mend behavior is build a good relationship.  One of the most important needs is the need for love and belonging; therefore, the better your relationship, the better they will feel.

Glasser and the "Well raised child"

Dr. Glasser teaches that the best way to begin the task of parenting is with the most general picture possible.  For example, in his book "Take charge of your life", he says, "we want them to be warm and loving; hardworking and financially prudent; careful about their health,(we especially don't want them to use drugs); moral and law-abiding; and both caring and respectful of their friends, family and family friends."  To me, the what question you want to ask yourself is more about what choices are my children making, and are they coming from his/her heart and mind or mine?
I have learned that the most important thing we can want for our children is for them to have a good foundation in love and respect, the ability to fulfill their five needs, and the ability to problem solve and negotiate.  What do you think?

Thinking about "What" Questions

In our in-service this week the staff was talking about how the house parent gets the children calmed down so easily.  The question was, "What is she saying when she is calming them down?"  Here are some of the things she says:  "Is the behavior you are choosing going to help you feel better?"  "If you never change what you are doing, will things ever get better for you?" " What were you trying to get when you chose that behavior?"
When one of the girls was particularly confrontational with her, she asked, "What's my job?"  The answer was, "Safety, helping me with my program, helping me learn good choices."  "So", she said, "Can I help you with these things if you argue with me when I am doing my job?"  The child stopped swearing and worked with the house parent.
We had a discussion about asking the questions, and how calming they are, and how they set the scene for a safe and respectful environment.  It was a great learning moment for all.  The lesson is, don"t give up, keep practicing.

Annual Kickball Tournament

Atkinson Family Services is holding its annual kickball tournament Sunday, July 27th, 9am, at 5601 Winding Way, Carmichael.  For more information, call the office at 916/489-5316.  We would love to have participation from anyone who is part of  AFS, or support from community members.
Everyone in the agency participates, regardless of age or size, and as they say, a good time was had by all.

Help wanted

Today I talked to a frantic, worn out mom.  She has 3 children, two of which are special needs.  Her question was, when does a parent listen to their heart, when to listen to their children, when to listen to their friends and family, and when to listen to the experts.  I have often had this war myself.
It's easy to judge when you're not the one it's happening to.  It's also easy to be crushed by all the opinions when you are the one responsible for the decisions.
What advice do you have for her?  Any wisdom you can offer?

Training

We really believe in training, and work very hard at providing quality training for our staff, families, and community members.  Jim and I keep up on our training, and enjoyed our 5 days at the Glasser International Convention.
Cesar and I are offering a new Glasser training next week, Thursday, July 24th.  We would like to start with our administrators, social workers and house managers.  However, anyone is invited and we would like to include you.  Just call the  office at 916/489-5316.

Relationships

Looking back I never could have predicted what kind of relationships we would all have with each other.  Our children for the most part consider each other siblings.  The girls that were raised together help each other and really treat each other as sisters.  I am constantly surprised and pleased as I see them advise each other, support each other, and attend each others' birthdays and the birthdays of their children.
Often the older girls reach out to the younger ones, and the younger ones back to them.  Our son Jay has been big brother to so many of them, and would help any family member that needed him.
Many of our children remember staff that worked with them when they were young, and follow them on face book and other social media.
Sometimes we hire past clients, and they even work under a "sister".  Several of our grown daughters are still involved  with their CASA workers.
People often think of Jim and I as a blessing.  Now I ask you, who got blessed?   I'm quite sure it was us!

Good to be home

Jim and I took the 3 girls and met Steve and Nancy and their 2 girls in Orlando to spend 2 weeks in Disney World, surrounding area attractions, and other sights in Orlando,  Then Jim and I flew to Toronto for our annual Glasser convention, and the others flew home.  We got to visit with one of our daughters and her husband from Georgia.  That was a wonderful time.
Jim and I met Suzi, Cesar and their son in Toronto where we spent 4 days in learning and sharing with other Glasser participants.  It was a great time of learning.
One of the most valuable things we did for our children was to take them on vacations.  We drove those kids all over the U.S.  We took the our own children, our nieces, group home children, the staff, along with some of our other grandchildren.
It has long been a joke in the Agency about our vacations because when I proposed the next years' vacation to Jim, he would always say, "We can't do that."  I would always answer, "Of course we can", and proceed to plan the vacation.  We wouldn't have traded a single one.  No matter how difficult the kids might have been, we believed they needed the opportunity to see beyond their life, beyond their problems, and understand there were options.

Honoring the graduates

Tonight we had our monthly foster family training/ support group, and during that meeting we honored our high school graduates.  It is really a big deal when the children strive for something and achieve what they have worked for.
The truth is, we like to celebrate, period.  Whenever a child improves behavior and gets to move to a permanent family, (whether it be natural family, foster family, guardianship or adoption), we have a congratulations party.  When one of our employees, or one of our older girls become pregnant, we welcome that baby with a shower.
We have the best parties ever, whether it is our kickball tournament, our 4th of July party, our Christmas party, we love to make memories.  Foster care could be viewed as sad, difficult, and other negative thoughts.  We choose to believe that whenever it is necessary we will step up, make the best of the time together, and make good memories.

One positive influence

Author and psychologist Alice Miller has said that if an abused child has one good influence in their life it will make a difference.  Part of the importance of foster care is that there would be that good influence, that caring person who would be there for a child.
To us, at Atkinson Family Services, we see ourselves as here to serve, here to use our training, education, good will, sense of humor, and opportunity to be that good influence.
Do you see yourself as someone who could be that one good influence?  We would like to talk to you, to at least introduce you to what we do, and how you could help.

To, For, With

Jim, our son Jay, our daughter Geneva (with Jeremy), and I went to Colorado to celebrate our daughter Jill's 50th birthday.  It was a wonderful time and we had such a good time meeting Jill and Oskars' friends.

I was reminded of all the many trips we took the kids on through the years.  There are 3 behaviors you can do with your children.

1.  To - that is the things you do to them.  Although some of those things are positive, such as kisses on a boo-boo, many are negative, such as punishment.

2.  For - those things your children did or could have done, but you did over or did for them because you didn't think they could have done well enough.

3.  With - those things you did with your children such as vacations, homework projects, games, play times, and silly stuff.

WHICH ONE MAKES THE MEMORIES?

Our children would say, hands down, WITH.

Who is to blame?

We talked in our sexual abuse class tonight about who is to blame.  We talked about the fact that the only reason to even use the blame word is to assure the sexually abused person that it was never their fault.
For some victims when the perpetrator receives a punishment,  it helps put closure on the incidents, for some it helps assure them it really wasn't their fault, but for most it is just the beginning of a long struggle for recovery.
I was so pleased that victim witness laws were enacted so that there was financial help for victims so that they could get the therapy they would need to aid in recovery.
Recovery is a very personal, very difficult road, and at Atkinson Family Services we work very hard to make sure our staff are knowledgeable and prepared to aid children on this road.

Sexual abuse 4

Sorry, I had a rough week so I didn't get to my favorite - blogging.  During this time I have been visiting with several adults who were sexually abused as children.  Their confusions can be put in several questions:
1.  Why didn't my mother protect me?
2.  Why did my mother deny my abuse?
3.  Why do I keep on getting abused?
4.  If God is a good God why did He allow my abuse?
Here is what I want to cover.  Today.  What I can say about the past is that it was NEVER YOUR FAULT.  Today is your choice, and we can help you with that.  Please use therapy for your questions about your past.  It does need to be addressed; however, we are equipped to handle today, and one day at a time.  The question about God I would like to answer from the prospective of today, and also from my own experience.

Sexual Abuse 3

Some of the behaviors observed in sexually abused are actually sexual in nature.  These include:
1. Confusion of sexual identity - this is different from gender identity.  This confusion is more due to the abuse, for example a female child who was abused while her brother was not.  She may believe that if she had not been female she would not have been abused.  Some girls then try to act as if they are boys, or their idea of what would make them male and therefore safe.  We had a girl who stood to urinate, wanted her hair cut short, and yet none of the measures she took helped her feel safe.  We worked with her on feeling safe, not on changing "boy" behaviors.
2. Sexual acting out - this behavior of course increases the risk of the child being re-abused.  We work with the children on evaluating their choices of clothing, language, method of making friends, choices of music and dance moves to music.
3.  Right along with this is confusion of sex and affection - remembering that one of the 5 Needs is the need for love and belonging it is really clear that the only way to help is to teach the 5 Needs, include the 4 parts of behavior, and evaluate personal choices on a daily basis.
Again, you are welcome to attend the class which will be held at the office June 12th, 6:30-8:30.

Sexual Abuse 2

One of the first things I learned is that, although abused children do not usually identify feelings well, they are overwhelmed by feelings of guilt, betrayal, anger, fear, mistrust and a belief that they have no choices.
Some of the behaviors observed might be:
1.preoccupation - not hearing when their name is called, or a startle reaction when called.
2. keeping quiet - no opinion, avoids  eye contact, doesn't engage in conversation.
3.pathological lying - even when telling the truth would make more sense.
4. overcompliance - fear of not pleasing,
5.running away - actually in older teenagers this is one of the most common behaviors.
 These behaviors are the beginning of the list.  I will add more tomorrow.  If you would like more discussion just let me know and I can elaborate on any.

some info about sexual abuse

When we took or first children we knew nothing about sexual abuse.  When we began to see sexualized behaviors in small children we were more than shocked.  I asked our social workers and probation officers about what we were observing.  Everyone told us we weren't seeing what we were most certainly seeing.
I went to the university library and searched for books on the subject.  I found one book on incest, but that book claimed it was a problem with displaced persons in New York City.  I knew I wasn't crazy, and that I was really observing sexual behaviors in small children.
One of my professors suggested I keep track of my observations, and also, of the interventions I did, which ones helped the children.  I did just that, and I teach a class on sexual abuse every-other month for my  agency.
The month of June that class will be June 12th, from 6:30 - 8:30.  If you are interested in attending, call the office at 916/489-5316, and make a reservation.  If you would like some of the materials, although some of the visuals I cannot fax or email, I will be glad to share with you.  Just let me know.
More tomorrow.

Foster Parent Training

Tonight we had our monthly foster parent training.  Each one of our social workers takes a turn presenting the topic.  Tonight it was on empathy - how to develop and encourage it in children of all ages.  It was a helpful presentation and discussion.  I love to attend that meeting, even though it is one more meeting to go to,  because I am in the company of such great people.
Our agency is small by most standards, because it is hard for people to be as committed to training and team work as our people are.  We have babysitting for the children while our training is on.  We begin with a potluck dinner, and the children join us for that part.  I was impressed that when the children came in they got their dinner and sat down with their social worker.
Does that seem surprising to you?  It happens because our social workers are on the same team with our foster parents and foster children.  There is no, "Your social worker is coming, hurry up and clean that mess up".  There are no secrets from the social workers, nothing to hide.
I will say it again - it is a pleasure to work with people who are as passionate and sold on what they do as I am.
Thanks guys!

More about change

Most of the children who come to the group home system are angry.  Very angry.  Children come into the foster system because something went wrong in their family, and it could be something like mom has cancer and needs treatment and no family member is available to take the children.  It could be because of neglect or abuse.  Children come to the group home system due to bad behavior.
The children will tell you they don't belong in a group home, but they all get there the same way - bad behavior.
Our job in the group home is to help the child see what they need to change, and give them the tools to change.  There is that scary word again - change,
So, through fits, violence, bad language, threats of harm to staff, suicide attempts and even running away, the staff work to help the children make a better choice, and CHANGE.
Then we work with their teams to help the natural family return them to the family if that is a viable choice, we work with their teams to find viable foster homes, or guardianship families, or adoptive families.
Atkinson Family Services is changing again to help us work with the county teams and as many people involved with a child as possible to shorten the amount of time in a group home and get them into a more permanent situation.
More about change to come.

Change

Our daughter, Jill, decided early on that her mantra would be "Change is good".  I always hated change - I don't even like to re-arrange my furniture.  Nevertheless, change happens, and there is nothing we can do to stop it,
We are, in fact, changing.  We started out as "Atkinson Group Home", and then when we were more than one group home that name didn't seem fitting.  So, we changed to "Atkinson Youth Services", and that worked well for quite a while.  Recently, we could see that that name limited us, and didn't say what we are really interested in or what we actually do.  So, now we are "Atkinson Family Services".
Change continues.  Originally we were family group homes, and that worked wonderfully well for over 20 years.  However, times change and family group homes weren't viable any more, so we had to change again.  We have moved our structure to group homes with 6 children, a ratio of 2:6 staff along with an administrator and a social worker who work very hard to keep the family value and feel in the group homes.
Change continues.

Anniversary Surprise

Friday was an amazing day for Jim and I.  We went to the office as usual for our usual Friday Social Worker meeting, but it was anything but normal.  As Cesar opened the door many people yelled, "Surprise".  We also heard, "Congratulations".  We just stood there, dumbfounded.  We had no idea what all the hoopla was about!  Then they told us, it was the 30th anniversary of when we first incorporated and became the beginnings of Atkinson Family Services.
We also had another very nice event that day.  Our good and faithful friend, Paul Robbins, of FOX 40 morning news came to present a check from the proceeds of his book, "Did Sid".  The proceeds will go to help us complete the furnishings in the Behavioral Health Clinic area of our new building.
There is not much better than working with people who are passionate about what they are doing, and each appreciates the other for what they do.  We are so blessed to be able to work with people like this, and we thank God.
We would like to find more people who are passionate about foster children and would like to join with us as foster parents.  It is so great to belong to such as agency as we have.

Talk, talk, talk

I never cease to admire the differences in personalities of the children.  I see them in everything we do.  One similarity I see is they show how they think in every thing they do.  We talk about every day things with the children during dinner.  We discuss what is in the news, how laws and rules come to be made, and how we choose our behaviors.
When the group home was here we used to do "Perception papers."  They each thought the other was loved more, more beautiful, smarter, etc.   That was a great discussion, I'm glad I was there to be a part of that.
One time we got the "cars for sale" part of the newspaper and the children pretended they were buying a car.  One girl picked a car with over 90,000 miles.  She thought the miles meant what you had left on the car. I'm glad I didn't miss that discussion either.
We don't spend time telling the children what they should do, but information in general is something you can do without argument, disagreement, and it is so helpful to them for learning, and helpful for us understand where they are coming from.

Foster parenting and remuneration

The money paid to foster parents is most often a tabu subject.  The old idea that people become foster parents "for the money" never made any sense to me - maybe because I am a foster parent and I didn't get rich fostering children.
I look at it different because I see myself and my foster parents as following our passion, doing what we were called to do.  The government looks at the money paid as a remuneration for expenses incurred in caring for the children.  I think if someone is working and their own children are in day care, and they are longing to be home with their children, fostering is an excellent opportunity to stay home with the children.   Then, if they do as good a job as a parent as they did on their job, everyone wins.  Their children are cared for, foster children get a good home, tax payers get good use of their money, and the parent gets to follow their desire.
When our first foster child was riding between Jim and I in the car she looked from him to me, and back and forth.  Finally, she said, "How does a kid get to stay in a family like this?"  For the second time since she came, I knew I was doing the right thing.
In time, with so many children, through the years we needed new cars, washers, refridgerators, etc.  Was I getting rich in buying those necessities?  No, I was taking care of expenses incurred taking care of children.  If you are thinking of becoming a foster parent, talk to us, and don't be afraid to mention money.  We will help you any way we can.

House RulesI

We have very simple rules.  In fact, there are only three:
1.  Safety - Is your behavioral choice safe for yourself and others?
2.  Respect-Is your behavioral choice respectful of your needs as well as the needs of others?
3.  Do your job - whatever is the job-at-hand.  For example, if you are in school your job is to do your schoolwork, if you are at home, your job is to do whatever chore you have agreed upon as a part of a family.
We meet as a group - where ever we, are such as classroom at school, group home family or foster family.  We also use the same format in our office, and in all the entities of Atkinson Family Services.
Each classroom, family, group home, or office group meets together and decides what the specific description of each of the three rules will be.  Then, when someone breaks a rule, we consider it a mistake, just a problem,  and require them to fix the problem.
We have an autistic, mentally handicapped granddaughter.  When she was a child she went to our school, and was raised in a choice theory atmosphere.  She often had bouts of violence, and at the end evaluated and found a way to solve the problem.  With such a handicap as she has, it is hard to believe she can identify her mistakes, solve them, and learn from them.  One time she threw her desk.  When asked what rule she broke, she thoughtfully answered, "Well first, I broke the safety rule because throwing things is not safe for anyone."  She thought for a minute more and added, "I broke the respect rule for sure because I used up everyone's time with my fit and that was not respectful to anyone, even me."  Again she thought, and said, "I also broke the 'do your job' rule because I sure couldn't do my work.
Try using three rules, and talk, talk, talk to your family to define how they will work in your family.

Who will keep the kids?

When our own two children were teenagers, many people wanted to know how the foster experience was for them.  Jim and I had to be gone for several weeks for meetings.  When we came back and things were back to normal (well, normal for us), Jill came in to talk to me.  "Jay and I were wondering what would happen if you and Dad both died."  "Well", I answered, "We have a will and we have talked with our family and we have a plan for you, and you will not have to worry because everything will be taken care of,"  'That's not what we wanted to know", she said. " We don't care about the stuff.  We wanted to know what will happen to the kids.  You have to have a will that says we can keep the kids."
That answered the question for us.  The experience was great and difficult.  Jay has Muscular Dystrophy, and he experienced several handicap children work with their disabilities. He works for the Department of Corrections. Jill became a psychologist, a natural position for her because she was always so good with the children.
Did they live through some difficult children?  Yes!  Jay was bullied by an older client, and Jill had to live with girls that wished they had her position.  As diligent as we were about problem solving, we just didn't cover all the bases.
Before any parent chooses to become foster parents, it is important to count the cost to their own family.
I welcome comments and questions.

"It's the wrong family"

I learn from each child that comes into our lives.  Back in the early 80's we had a 13 year old girl from a large family.  She had never had "store bought" clothes, or a hair cut in a beauty salon.  She loved that experience.  One weekend we had all 7 of her siblings stay with us.  We took them all to church with us.  I heard one of the sisters say, "Wow, you got your dream.  New store bought clothes, a real haircut, and a family that goes to church."  She sadly looked at her sister and answered, "Yes, but it's the wrong family."
I learned that even though I put my heart, soul, time  and money into the kids, they may not be able to get over the loss of their family.  Remembering the Quality World helps me keep things in perspective.  It may not be possible for a child to ever reconcile with their family, and so, not to make me feel better, but to help the child find meaning in the world as it is in their life, it is important to help them  see their options and choices.

What makes a good foster parent

Maybe I should have said "Who", but regardless, there are some basics that I look for.
1.  You can live with a total stranger (at first) without prejudice.
2.  You can follow rules and laws.
3.  You can forgive and forget.
4.  You have a sense of humor and laugh a lot.
5.  You don't have to "Fix" everyone and everything.
6.  You are a good listener, willing to listen and show concern, and not just instruct.
7.  Even in difficult situations you can be respectful.
8.  You can admit when you are wrong and can take responsibility.
9.  You don't have to be loved "back".  What can I do to help this child, not what can this child give me.
10. You have a support system;  for me it is my husband and family, but mainly, a relationship       with Jesus Christ helps me through all of it.
Once, when I was giving a foster parent orientation to a group of prospective foster parents I came to the topic of spanking.  One of the men brought it up because he had heard that foster children cannot be spanked, nor could corporal punishment be used.  After some conversation, he said, "Well, my dad spanked me, and I turned out o.k."  "When was the last time he spanked you?", I asked.  "Well, when I was big enough to hit him back", he replied.  I asked, "Is that the kind of relationship you want with your child?"
The point of foster parenting was originally supposed to be a safe, neutral, temporary place where a child can be nurtured until a permanent place can be found with family. Times and ideas change through the years, but it has always been helpful to me to remember, they are on loan to me.

Rules for Fair Fighting

This is not from Choice Theory.  Until you have practiced all that you have learned it may be necessary to just post these rules for fair fighting.  Jim always wanted to call them "Rules for Effective Problem Solving". but before you know how to problem solve you need to know how to disagree without harming their relationships.  I have used these rules for many years, simply because it takes time to teach the 5 needs, the 4 parts of behavior, and the language we use.  Some of these rules come from NA and AA, but most are just common sense.

1.  No physical action - it's hard to reason with someone you are trying to force your will on.
2.  No yelling - it's hard to reason with someone you are intimidating.
3.  No name calling - a person who spilled the milk doesn't need to be called clumsy - he already          knows.
4.  No blame - "it never helps to assign a bad guy.
5.  No excuses - "I only", "I just", "but I", or "because" are all excuses
6.  I statements only - no other person's name is acceptable unless that person is present.
7.  No one else's name may be used, "Suzie did it".
8.  One person talks at a time, everyone will get a turn.
9.  No putting someone down - rolling eyes, sneers, other body language "put downs".
Here is the good news!  Once you have all this other stuff out of the way, you can solve the problem.  That problem will almost always be something like, "I felt left out", "My feelings were hurt", "I was embarrassed". "I felt betrayed".
It takes time for children to feel safe enough to share real feelings, but if you adhere to these simple rules you can do it.

What Questions

So, keeping in mind the 5 Needs, and the 4 parts of behavior, here is the way we work with the children.  We ask questions!  We never ask "Why" questions, we ask "What" questions.
Actually, you already know the answer to a  'Why" question - it is "I don't know", or "because."  Also, if what you want is to build a relationship, ask open-ended questions that require more than a "yes" or "no" answer
  One more tip, two of my most favorite words are "nevertheless", and "regardless".  Those two words will keep the conversation from straying off the subject at hand.  In order to have a conversation and not a battle it is important to avoid accusations, blame, yelling, name calling and pointing fingers.
Remember, when a problem occurs due to a mis-behavior, it is just a problem, just a mistake,  The first thing we start with is, "How are you going to fix it?"
We start with with,
"What do you want?"
"What do you really want?"
"What did you choose to do?"
"How did that work out for you?"
"What behavior could you choose that would get you what you want, and will not get you in trouble?"
"When do you think you will try that?"

Protect and Prepare/Just and Fair

Two concepts that are not really part of Choice Theory, but are very helpful concepts in raising children.  These thoughts are from our Deputy Director, Cesar Castaneda,  He talks about the importance of understanding when it is our job to protect children, and when it is our job to prepare our children.  This is an especially difficult and confusing concept when the children are missing basic safety concepts that are usually taught when they are very small children.  Part of working with foster children is understanding which phase each child needs.
The second concept is to understand and teach the difference between what is just and what is fair.  Usually when children complain that you're "Not being fair", what they really mean is that you are not treating everyone equal.  If you let a 17 year old go to the movies with a friend, but not a 10 year old, the 10 year old will complain about fairness.
 Now is the time when you have to know the difference between prepare and protect, and fair and just.  Now is also the time when you will  be glad for teaching the difference to your children, or know it is time to begin teaching your children.
One last story for the day: "Back in the day", when we had 12  children, ranging in age from 7 to 17, I had a particularly trying day with way too many complaints about me not being "fair".  We live in Sacramento, CA.  The state fair grounds, called Cal Expo, are here.  I packed all 12 kids in the van and drove to Cal Expo, and told them to get out.  Looking confused, they did.  I rolled down the window and said, "This is the Fair",  "This is the only place where you will find fair, so when you have had enough fair, call me and I will come pick you up."  They looked at each other.  Some said, "Is she nuts?"  Others said, "Can she do this?"
To this day if someone mentions "Fair", everyone says, "Watch out or she will take you to Cal Expo"!

How we establish our Quality World

In order for things to enter and remain in our quality world, they must be experienced as feeling very good at the time.  You are the only person who can place something in your quality world picture.  Those pictures you choose will remain forever, unless you choose to change the picture.  It is very difficult to change a picture once it is in your quality world, even if it is now causing you pain.  

For example, I once had a girl who's mother had died.  She was so devastated by this event that she could not accept her life, and tried to commit suicide.  When she returned from the hospital, and we had a discussion about her 5 Needs, and how she could choose to fill them, she discovered that the real problem was that she didn't want to fill any needs without her mother.  Knowing that the memory of her mother was very powerful and the picture of her mother so need-fulfilling, we looked at the quality world pictures she had of her mother.  There are 3 things you can do with your pictures; keep it and continue to try to fill it, modify it, or take it out.  She decided she would keep the picture and add to it.  She invited me to be her mother, and thus modify the picture to include a second mom.  

We made a book of memories of her mom, so her fear of forgetting her would be taken care of.  Then we made a second memory book of our time together.  She worked with her therapist on this project also, and together she made realistic goals and put satisfying pictures in her quality world.

 Again, it is difficult to make changes in your quality world, but it is possible.  In foster care, it is important for the child and whole team to work together for the best possible outcome.

Quality World Three

The third thing we keep in our Quality World is the ideals or beliefs we hold.  This makes the way we work with children very important.  For example, from early childhood I had two things I was sure I never wanted to do; displease God nor displease my grandparents.  Every time throughout my life I was in a comprising position, I asked myself two questions, "Would this hurt my grandparents, or displease God?"
I had read the Bible through 3 times by the time I was 12 years old.  Of course I didn't understand much of what I read, but it was enough to give me some base to think from.
Today's children have what I call "Transient" values.  I have heard the girls say, "I'm not going to have sex before marriage.... well, unless he's cute."  Or, "I'm not going to take drugs...unless I'm at a party, everyone does drugs at a party."
One of the best things we can do for our children is teach them the 5 Needs, the 4 parts of behavior, the things we hold in our quality world, and to take responsibility for our behavior.
More tomorrow.

Putting it all together

This weekend we will make another video to show how we make it all work.  What ties it all together is learning the language of peaceful living and the art of asking questions.  I want to start by giving some of the beliefs we hold.  They were a little awkward to learn, but our desire to work effectively with children was greater than our resistance to learning something new.
We begin by believing that every behavior we choose is the best one we could think of at the time.  Furthermore, we believe that we choose everything we think and do, and thus we indirectly choose how we feel and our physiology.
So, recognizing that our choices belong to us, and that we can evaluate our choices and make improvements.
There is one more component, and that is the Quality World.  I will introduce that tomorrow.

Behavior Car poster

Here is the 4 parts of behavior in the form of a car that I promised you.  It was developed by a member of the Glasser Institute.  It shows that the front two wheels motivate and move the car, but what they do effects the rest of the car and how it behaves.  What ;motivates the car is the 5 Needs, and they are represented by the engine,  The steering wheel represents the wants, and shows how easily they can effect our choices.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          

Four Parts of Behavior

As promised, here are the 4 parts of behavior.  When we use it with the foster children as well as teach the staff and foster parents, we use a car to illustrate how it works. The 4 parts of behavior are: thinking and acting, and feeling and physiology.
All behavior is chosen, and is the best behavior we could think of at the time.  All behavior is purposeful and meaningful, even "crazy behavior".
If you can let that sink in for a while, you will begin to see that what we are trying to do is build relationships on honesty, communication, and from a standpoint without judgement and blame.  The Behavior Car is next!

The 5 Needs

In order to learn Choice Theory it is best to start with the 5 Basic Needs that we are all born with.  They are:  1.  Survival - food shelter, safety, and sex.  When working with the children we concentrate on what makes them feel safe and how to insure their safety, and less on sex.
2.  Love and belonging - to share, care and cooperate.  Choice theory is about making and keeping relationships.
3.  Power and control - the only person we can control is ourselves.
4.  Freedom - we learn about making choices and using our creativity for positive results in our lives.
5.  Fun - which includes learning.
It may seem awkward to learn these, but it will all make sense as you learn and put it all together.  The next step will be to learn the 4 parts of behavior.

Blame Doesn't Matter

One of the first things we had to learn was that it doesn't matter who did what first, or who started it, or who was to blame.  What matters is the relationships in the family. We had a very large family, including our 2 birth children, foster children, guardianship children and adopted children. Our children were of every race and economic status.
Does the phrase, "You're not my real mother sound familiar to you"?  I heard it on a regular basis.  It's hard to build a family base line with this much diversity and this much emotional trauma.  The answer to the question is, "I know I'm not your real mother, and I'm not trying to be, but if you look around, I seem to be the only mom around here at the moment.  How can we make things work?"
When something was broken, it was useless to ask who did it, because only a person named "Not Me" lives in my house.  So then what matters?  How you fix things, how you make a better plan with the children for next time, and how you get through a hard time without calling names, blaming, or punishing.
Tomorrow, we'll share how to set up a system so you can do that.

There's always a 7-day notice

In foster care there is this thing called a "7-day notice".  As the foster parent you can use it when you can't handle the child any more.  Jim and I decided we would do whatever it took to never use the 7-day notice.  O.K., what then?  What about your own kids?  You can't serve a notice on them,
Why not learn to solve the problem.  I started the research.  I found the early works of Dr. William Glasser, who taught people to evaluate their choices, and make more effective choices.  It takes some practice, and some change of mind on the part of the parent, but it will result in a more peaceful family.  There are several things you need to know.  I will introduce them to you, and then we will post another role-play video to show how we do it.

What Do We Do Now?

Many people think when they foster children that all you need to give is love. That is not always the case. This video of Jim and Carla as we reenact a scene from our lives as foster parents.


Watch this first....
http://youtu.be/-lxZpNjx8Z8


then watch this...
http://youtu.be/U5j4s7xvJ0Y



Let me know your thoughts.

Natural Family Day

Today is what we call "Natural Family Day".  When we first started back in the '60s, the general thought was that if you separated the children from the parents what went wrong in that family would go away. I found that to be a dismal failure.  
I believe that parents and children need time and opportunity to work things out, whether or not they can change behavior, they need a chance.  We started "NFD" to make a time for positive interaction and good memories.  We play games, do a cooperative craft, feed the lunch, and answer questions.  
Some children use this time to visit former foster families, some visit siblings, grandparents, or other family members.  Some of the children have no other family members, so we find "visiting friends" for them.
From the vantage point of old age, I have the privilege and honor to sit at grandchildren's birthday parties with the natural parents I helped to put together with their children.
I am the one who is blessed!

 

How we started

Hello again. 


Jim and I got married in 1961, when he was 20 and I was 19.  If you see pictures of us you would want to know, "Who let those kids get married?"  We had two children in 1963 - 64.  After some experiences as hosts for American Indian children during the summers we learned it was easy for us to accept others in our home.  We were at home, and they felt at home too.  I also had experiences babysitting children who were on Ritalin, and who were difficult to work with.  They were just like me!   Finally, people with my energy.  People used to say to me, "You should take foster children, you would be good at it."


1968 - We went to the county to find information, and they gave us a child!  No training, nothing.  We filled out the paperwork, they did the fingerprint, and we had a child.


We were so nervous when she first came to the door.  We didn't know what we were supposed to do.  She, however, had been through this too many times.  At 8 years old, her black pony tails bouncing as she moved, she grabbed my hands, looked up at me, and said, "Hi, my name's Geneva, and I'll call you mom if you let me stay."


We were hooked!

Atkinson Family Services

How about some numbers?  They really aren't important to me or our story, but most people are interested.  So, one time only, here are the numbers.  We started in 1968, with 2 children of our own.  By 1977, when we moved from San Jose, CA, to Sacramento, CA, we brought with us 13 children; 2 natural, 3 adopted, 6 foster, 1 in guardianship, and 1 family friend.  We became a county group home in 1978, and a state group home in 1983.  We incorporated in 1984, and began adding group homes.  We now have 6 group homes, a foster family agency, a non-public school, (a school for children removed from public school for difficult behavior), a thrift store and a donated auto program.


We are soon moving into our new office, and will add a charter school which will serve children through a distance-learning program.  Each child will receive a computer, and will do the bulk of their work at home.  We will have tutors and support services at the office site. 


We are very excited about working towards opening an adoption agency in the very new future.  Almost every one of our long-time foster parents have adopted at least one child, and we would like to help people have the positive and successful outcomes we have had.


We will also be opening a behavior health clinic which will serve children and their families.  We are very excited about these expanded services.


Originally all of our groups were run by house parents with support staff.  We only have one of the original families left.  As laws changed, emphasis on the family model fell on disfavor  with licensing, and our family model changed to a social work-administrator-house manager-staff model.   We have been able to keep the family feel to our homes, and our staff have built good teams that work really hard to make good relationships with the children.


To complete the whole picture, we have 103 employees at this time.  We are very thankful for all the support we have received from employees, family and friends.


Finally, Jim and I have parented over 200 children over the years.  We now have 73 grandchildren and great-grandchildren, with more of both on the way!  People often ask, "How do your children turn out?"  I always answer, "I don't know, they aren't all dead yet".


What we started out to do is give the children whatever family they want, and to give them the same opportunities as any other child by the time they turn 18.

Something about me

Whenever I meet someone new the first thing they want to know is the why and how I got started in this very full life I lead.  I would like to share that with you, because I would also like to know how other people got started in foster care, and why.


I was what was called "back in the day", a precocious child.  Actually, children were to be seen and not heard, but what I learned was that girls weren't even to be seen.  My mother said I was born with an opinion, so this never set well with me.  I was reading way before I went to school, and  by age 6, I read 2 newspapers a day.  I especially loved Eleanor Roosevelt, and looked for what she said and did , as the first thing when I opened the newspaper.  One day I read that she was in a foreign country where they sacrificed little girls to the temple gods.  I was incensed!  I was going there and rescue those little girls.  That was the beginning, way back in 1948-49.


Not only did I want to work with children, I wanted to serve the Lord.  I very much felt called to serve.  What would I be doing?  How could I help?  I decided I needed to be a teacher, so I went to college to become a teacher.  That was definitely not the right path.  I blew up the chemistry lab, shorted out the physics lab, the music teacher said I had one note, and it was off....you get the point.  I was good at English, History, and Shakespeare.  I was very interested and did very well in psychology and anthropology.  That is the direction I went. 


I graduated with 13 kids, 3 dogs, 2 cats and 4 birds - but I graduated.


More tomorrow about how I started.

Welcome

My name is Carla and this is a blog for foster parents and group homes. We will discuss laws, new and old. We will share ideas and we together, we will work to make the lives of children a little better.

Thank you.
Carla