Sexual Abuse 3

Some of the behaviors observed in sexually abused are actually sexual in nature.  These include:
1. Confusion of sexual identity - this is different from gender identity.  This confusion is more due to the abuse, for example a female child who was abused while her brother was not.  She may believe that if she had not been female she would not have been abused.  Some girls then try to act as if they are boys, or their idea of what would make them male and therefore safe.  We had a girl who stood to urinate, wanted her hair cut short, and yet none of the measures she took helped her feel safe.  We worked with her on feeling safe, not on changing "boy" behaviors.
2. Sexual acting out - this behavior of course increases the risk of the child being re-abused.  We work with the children on evaluating their choices of clothing, language, method of making friends, choices of music and dance moves to music.
3.  Right along with this is confusion of sex and affection - remembering that one of the 5 Needs is the need for love and belonging it is really clear that the only way to help is to teach the 5 Needs, include the 4 parts of behavior, and evaluate personal choices on a daily basis.
Again, you are welcome to attend the class which will be held at the office June 12th, 6:30-8:30.

Sexual Abuse 2

One of the first things I learned is that, although abused children do not usually identify feelings well, they are overwhelmed by feelings of guilt, betrayal, anger, fear, mistrust and a belief that they have no choices.
Some of the behaviors observed might be:
1.preoccupation - not hearing when their name is called, or a startle reaction when called.
2. keeping quiet - no opinion, avoids  eye contact, doesn't engage in conversation.
3.pathological lying - even when telling the truth would make more sense.
4. overcompliance - fear of not pleasing,
5.running away - actually in older teenagers this is one of the most common behaviors.
 These behaviors are the beginning of the list.  I will add more tomorrow.  If you would like more discussion just let me know and I can elaborate on any.

some info about sexual abuse

When we took or first children we knew nothing about sexual abuse.  When we began to see sexualized behaviors in small children we were more than shocked.  I asked our social workers and probation officers about what we were observing.  Everyone told us we weren't seeing what we were most certainly seeing.
I went to the university library and searched for books on the subject.  I found one book on incest, but that book claimed it was a problem with displaced persons in New York City.  I knew I wasn't crazy, and that I was really observing sexual behaviors in small children.
One of my professors suggested I keep track of my observations, and also, of the interventions I did, which ones helped the children.  I did just that, and I teach a class on sexual abuse every-other month for my  agency.
The month of June that class will be June 12th, from 6:30 - 8:30.  If you are interested in attending, call the office at 916/489-5316, and make a reservation.  If you would like some of the materials, although some of the visuals I cannot fax or email, I will be glad to share with you.  Just let me know.
More tomorrow.

Foster Parent Training

Tonight we had our monthly foster parent training.  Each one of our social workers takes a turn presenting the topic.  Tonight it was on empathy - how to develop and encourage it in children of all ages.  It was a helpful presentation and discussion.  I love to attend that meeting, even though it is one more meeting to go to,  because I am in the company of such great people.
Our agency is small by most standards, because it is hard for people to be as committed to training and team work as our people are.  We have babysitting for the children while our training is on.  We begin with a potluck dinner, and the children join us for that part.  I was impressed that when the children came in they got their dinner and sat down with their social worker.
Does that seem surprising to you?  It happens because our social workers are on the same team with our foster parents and foster children.  There is no, "Your social worker is coming, hurry up and clean that mess up".  There are no secrets from the social workers, nothing to hide.
I will say it again - it is a pleasure to work with people who are as passionate and sold on what they do as I am.
Thanks guys!

More about change

Most of the children who come to the group home system are angry.  Very angry.  Children come into the foster system because something went wrong in their family, and it could be something like mom has cancer and needs treatment and no family member is available to take the children.  It could be because of neglect or abuse.  Children come to the group home system due to bad behavior.
The children will tell you they don't belong in a group home, but they all get there the same way - bad behavior.
Our job in the group home is to help the child see what they need to change, and give them the tools to change.  There is that scary word again - change,
So, through fits, violence, bad language, threats of harm to staff, suicide attempts and even running away, the staff work to help the children make a better choice, and CHANGE.
Then we work with their teams to help the natural family return them to the family if that is a viable choice, we work with their teams to find viable foster homes, or guardianship families, or adoptive families.
Atkinson Family Services is changing again to help us work with the county teams and as many people involved with a child as possible to shorten the amount of time in a group home and get them into a more permanent situation.
More about change to come.

Change

Our daughter, Jill, decided early on that her mantra would be "Change is good".  I always hated change - I don't even like to re-arrange my furniture.  Nevertheless, change happens, and there is nothing we can do to stop it,
We are, in fact, changing.  We started out as "Atkinson Group Home", and then when we were more than one group home that name didn't seem fitting.  So, we changed to "Atkinson Youth Services", and that worked well for quite a while.  Recently, we could see that that name limited us, and didn't say what we are really interested in or what we actually do.  So, now we are "Atkinson Family Services".
Change continues.  Originally we were family group homes, and that worked wonderfully well for over 20 years.  However, times change and family group homes weren't viable any more, so we had to change again.  We have moved our structure to group homes with 6 children, a ratio of 2:6 staff along with an administrator and a social worker who work very hard to keep the family value and feel in the group homes.
Change continues.

Anniversary Surprise

Friday was an amazing day for Jim and I.  We went to the office as usual for our usual Friday Social Worker meeting, but it was anything but normal.  As Cesar opened the door many people yelled, "Surprise".  We also heard, "Congratulations".  We just stood there, dumbfounded.  We had no idea what all the hoopla was about!  Then they told us, it was the 30th anniversary of when we first incorporated and became the beginnings of Atkinson Family Services.
We also had another very nice event that day.  Our good and faithful friend, Paul Robbins, of FOX 40 morning news came to present a check from the proceeds of his book, "Did Sid".  The proceeds will go to help us complete the furnishings in the Behavioral Health Clinic area of our new building.
There is not much better than working with people who are passionate about what they are doing, and each appreciates the other for what they do.  We are so blessed to be able to work with people like this, and we thank God.
We would like to find more people who are passionate about foster children and would like to join with us as foster parents.  It is so great to belong to such as agency as we have.

Talk, talk, talk

I never cease to admire the differences in personalities of the children.  I see them in everything we do.  One similarity I see is they show how they think in every thing they do.  We talk about every day things with the children during dinner.  We discuss what is in the news, how laws and rules come to be made, and how we choose our behaviors.
When the group home was here we used to do "Perception papers."  They each thought the other was loved more, more beautiful, smarter, etc.   That was a great discussion, I'm glad I was there to be a part of that.
One time we got the "cars for sale" part of the newspaper and the children pretended they were buying a car.  One girl picked a car with over 90,000 miles.  She thought the miles meant what you had left on the car. I'm glad I didn't miss that discussion either.
We don't spend time telling the children what they should do, but information in general is something you can do without argument, disagreement, and it is so helpful to them for learning, and helpful for us understand where they are coming from.

Foster parenting and remuneration

The money paid to foster parents is most often a tabu subject.  The old idea that people become foster parents "for the money" never made any sense to me - maybe because I am a foster parent and I didn't get rich fostering children.
I look at it different because I see myself and my foster parents as following our passion, doing what we were called to do.  The government looks at the money paid as a remuneration for expenses incurred in caring for the children.  I think if someone is working and their own children are in day care, and they are longing to be home with their children, fostering is an excellent opportunity to stay home with the children.   Then, if they do as good a job as a parent as they did on their job, everyone wins.  Their children are cared for, foster children get a good home, tax payers get good use of their money, and the parent gets to follow their desire.
When our first foster child was riding between Jim and I in the car she looked from him to me, and back and forth.  Finally, she said, "How does a kid get to stay in a family like this?"  For the second time since she came, I knew I was doing the right thing.
In time, with so many children, through the years we needed new cars, washers, refridgerators, etc.  Was I getting rich in buying those necessities?  No, I was taking care of expenses incurred taking care of children.  If you are thinking of becoming a foster parent, talk to us, and don't be afraid to mention money.  We will help you any way we can.

House RulesI

We have very simple rules.  In fact, there are only three:
1.  Safety - Is your behavioral choice safe for yourself and others?
2.  Respect-Is your behavioral choice respectful of your needs as well as the needs of others?
3.  Do your job - whatever is the job-at-hand.  For example, if you are in school your job is to do your schoolwork, if you are at home, your job is to do whatever chore you have agreed upon as a part of a family.
We meet as a group - where ever we, are such as classroom at school, group home family or foster family.  We also use the same format in our office, and in all the entities of Atkinson Family Services.
Each classroom, family, group home, or office group meets together and decides what the specific description of each of the three rules will be.  Then, when someone breaks a rule, we consider it a mistake, just a problem,  and require them to fix the problem.
We have an autistic, mentally handicapped granddaughter.  When she was a child she went to our school, and was raised in a choice theory atmosphere.  She often had bouts of violence, and at the end evaluated and found a way to solve the problem.  With such a handicap as she has, it is hard to believe she can identify her mistakes, solve them, and learn from them.  One time she threw her desk.  When asked what rule she broke, she thoughtfully answered, "Well first, I broke the safety rule because throwing things is not safe for anyone."  She thought for a minute more and added, "I broke the respect rule for sure because I used up everyone's time with my fit and that was not respectful to anyone, even me."  Again she thought, and said, "I also broke the 'do your job' rule because I sure couldn't do my work.
Try using three rules, and talk, talk, talk to your family to define how they will work in your family.

Who will keep the kids?

When our own two children were teenagers, many people wanted to know how the foster experience was for them.  Jim and I had to be gone for several weeks for meetings.  When we came back and things were back to normal (well, normal for us), Jill came in to talk to me.  "Jay and I were wondering what would happen if you and Dad both died."  "Well", I answered, "We have a will and we have talked with our family and we have a plan for you, and you will not have to worry because everything will be taken care of,"  'That's not what we wanted to know", she said. " We don't care about the stuff.  We wanted to know what will happen to the kids.  You have to have a will that says we can keep the kids."
That answered the question for us.  The experience was great and difficult.  Jay has Muscular Dystrophy, and he experienced several handicap children work with their disabilities. He works for the Department of Corrections. Jill became a psychologist, a natural position for her because she was always so good with the children.
Did they live through some difficult children?  Yes!  Jay was bullied by an older client, and Jill had to live with girls that wished they had her position.  As diligent as we were about problem solving, we just didn't cover all the bases.
Before any parent chooses to become foster parents, it is important to count the cost to their own family.
I welcome comments and questions.