We were working with a child in one of the group homes today. She is new and has never learned to problem solve. She doesn't know how to take responsibility, nor how to handle making a mistake. She became very angry and frustrated in the meeting, and just kept repeating, "I was just making a joke; why do you have to take everything seriously"? She also said, "I feel like you want to take away the way I've always been, and there won't be any of me left."
This is a common defense used by people in trouble. We all gave examples of jokes or pranks she could make, and the difference between that and defiance. She said, "You should be able to read on my face when I am joking and when I'm serious." "I shouldn't have to tell you." An example was given of when she started out playing, and then someone carried it too far, then she got her feelings hurt. "When were we supposed to know the difference between when you were playing and when you got hurt?" "Oh", she said, "I see".
I went back to the statement, "That's the way I've always been", and explained we understood it felt normal to her, but she was placed in the group home for the same reason as the other girls - bad behavior. I asked her if she could recognize one of the behaviors she does that may be getting in the way of people seeing the good behaviors she has. She agreed she would work on taking responsibility for mistakes and make a plan to work on whatever it was without trying to turn it into a joke or blame others.
It actually turned out well for all of us, even though it was her first time to cooperatively solve a problem and make a better plan.
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