So, keeping in mind the 5 Needs, and the 4 parts of behavior, here is the way we work with the children. We ask questions! We never ask "Why" questions, we ask "What" questions.
Actually, you already know the answer to a 'Why" question - it is "I don't know", or "because." Also, if what you want is to build a relationship, ask open-ended questions that require more than a "yes" or "no" answer
One more tip, two of my most favorite words are "nevertheless", and "regardless". Those two words will keep the conversation from straying off the subject at hand. In order to have a conversation and not a battle it is important to avoid accusations, blame, yelling, name calling and pointing fingers.
Remember, when a problem occurs due to a mis-behavior, it is just a problem, just a mistake, The first thing we start with is, "How are you going to fix it?"
We start with with,
"What do you want?"
"What do you really want?"
"What did you choose to do?"
"How did that work out for you?"
"What behavior could you choose that would get you what you want, and will not get you in trouble?"
"When do you think you will try that?"
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